That's the phrase I found myself saying over and over again as I played through Fallout 3: "Holy crap." Sometimes it was from a quest or plot point throwing a bizarre curveball, sometimes it was after or during a particularly amazing fight, sometimes it was after firing a new weapon or entering a new area for the first time. One time it was from losing a leg to a friendly-fire grenade blast.

   My point is that this game managed to continually surprise me again and again, almost always in a way that lead to a story I could share with fellow gamers. I've been playing video games for most of my life, so anytime I even get one "Holy crap," out of a game I'm going to call it good (and pat it on the head). So the fact that this game had me saying "Holy crap" more often than Strong Bad means we've got a classic on our hands.

H'okay. So. Here's the Earth. It's chillin'.

   The game takes place along a timeline that branches off of Earth's at about the end of World War II. Nuclear paranoia continues to escalate, leading the government to construct massive underground bunkers for its citizens to relocate to in case disaster strikes. Eventually, the United States and China get into a heated game of Atomic Whack-A-Mole and blow up the whole friggin' planet.

   The underground bunkers (somehow exempt from the category "whole friggin' planet") remained intact and sealed until it became safe enough to open the doors and release the bewildered citizens into a lawless wasteland filled with radioactive poisoning and super-evolved cockroaches. However, after discovering what the world outside is like, one bunker's residents decide it's best to keep the door closed and develop a micro-society within their bunker. The protagonist of the story is born into this bunker and is raised by his widower father until a major event happens that forces you to escape the bunker and roam the wastelands, alone.

   Everything up until your escape is pretty linear, but the second you walk out and let your eyes adjust to daylight for the first time you are free to roam wherever you want. There is still a main plot that eventually ends and scrolls credits, but if you forget about the main plot the game won't make any real effort to remind you. Fallout 3's real emphasis is placed on exploration and survival.

Hide this game next to your porn and bad report cards.

Shooting for Dummies

   Fallout 3 really does play like a complete 50:50 fusion of first-person shooter and RPG, and it becomes most obvious when looking at the combat system. If you feel like completely ignoring V.A.T.S., the game plays like your average FPS. You can increase your accuracy and add a little zoom with one button, and you fire with another. You can crouch, you can jump, and you've got a quick weapon select ala Ratchet & Clank that can be used on the fly.

   But the reason you want to play this game is V.A.T.S., and shame on you if you don't use it. When you push the V.A.T.S. button, the action freezes and lets you target specific focal points of multiple enemies and you plan out what you are about to do, limited by an AP meter that recharges outside of V.A.T.S. Once you've finished planning your attacks, action unfreezes and you get to watch how it all pans out in slow motion. When the actions have finished, the game goes back to normal speed and your AP meter begins recharging. And don't worry: you can still shoot when your AP runs out, you just won't be able to target automatically.

   In addition to leg explosions, targeting specific points can have some other interesting and useful effects. When you target most enemies' heads, you lower the certainty of the hit in exchange for doing more damage. If you take out the front legs of the large cockroaches, they won't be able to use their jump attack. If you are lucky enough to hit a person's weapon, the enemy will run away or charge at you bare-fisted. If you hit the targeting device on a machine, it will wig out and start shooting everywhere. And, as I learned earlier today, if you hit a person in the chest with a baseball bat, and then immediately follow it with a blow to the forehead, sometimes you can knock them backward into a landmine that will blow up before they can get back up. Another holy crap moment.

Why Fallout 3 is an RPG

   Just about every screenshot you find of this game will tell you that Fallout 3 is a shooter, but there's more here for the RPG buffs if V.A.T.S. isn't enough. There is character customization to a ridiculous extent (e.g. amount of cleft in chin, etc.), as well as base stats, level ups, and a massive skill tree.

   You have to plan out your stat builds pretty carefully from the beginning, though, as the experience levels cap out at a meager 20. To put some perspective on that, I barely felt like I had started playing when I hit level 4. And despite the giant skill tree, it won't even be close to full bloom by level 20 - if you really know what you're doing, you might max out two or three branches.

   The low maximum experience can be a good thing though. Like I said before, one thing that Fallout 3 really puts emphasis on is survival, and it's hard to make a level 99 wanderer feel like they could die at any second. But even so, another 10 levels couldn't have hurt.

   But if that's not enough RPG for you, there's always the giant side quests, the map that uncovers as you travel across it, the expanding dialogue trees, the Karma meter, the carrying capacity that increases with your strength, the mercenary sidekicks-for-hire, and the silent protagonist with blue hair (if you want). Of course, you won't exactly be the gifted young orphan that drinks elixirs and saves the kingdom, but hey, life is about compromise.

Extreme backpacking

   Fallout 3 never really tells you where to go, but merely suggests. Where you go and how soon you get there is entirely up to you. However, you are limited by the needs to rest, replenish HP, eat, and preserve ammunition. Each specific weapon and equip also has a condition meter that lowers with use and enemy attack, frequently forcing the player to repair or drop the item. Your character's body has similar condition meters for all major body parts, which will need specific care on occasion. No, penile care is not included - you'll still need to take care of that one outside the game, little buddy.

   In addition to all the regular upkeep of living off the fat of the land, there's also the more obvious downfall of living outdoors in a post-apocalyptic world - radioactive poisoning. In an effort to better prepare the gamer for the hazards of lymphoma, your character also has a meter to display your radioactivity in RAD/sec. Most food and beverage in Fallout 3 has a set RAD value that will cause your RAD/sec to increase with exposure. The higher the meter climbs, the less healthy your character will be, and a maxed-out RAD/sec meter means a dead character.

   All of this factored in to probably my strangest complaint about the game: you can instantly warp to any location you've visited. Normally that's a good thing (hey, I hated sailing in Legend of Zelda: Wind Waker as much as the next guy), but it seems like a game built so completely around conserving your energy and navigating harsh terrain would force a little backtracking-on-foot. I mean, that's what makes "The Wasteland" a wasteland, right? If everyone has this backtracking-teleport ability (which they might, as the game never really justifies it), then why not just keep making new bases a few feet apart like we all did when playing Tag in our backyards? The lazier gamers won't have a problem with the backtrack feature at all, but if you get as enthralled in the world of Fallout 3 as I did, you'll probably agree that this stands out in a bad way.

Fallout 3 in one paragraph.

   *Catches breath*. So this is a whole lot of awesome game. Fallout 3 is an overall well-thought-out vision of what the world would be like after The Big One drops. It's one part First Person Shooter, and one part Role Playing Game. This is the really violent potty-mouth game that Mom and Dad don't know about yet because it hasn't been on the news. This game'll give you nightmares, kid. The combat system is really cool, and you'll probably show it to a friend at some point. If you liked Dune, check out Fallout 3. It's a really good game, and if you don't like it when video games tell you what to do, you'll play this one for a long time.

   Oh yeah, and once more, for old times sake: holy crap!

       ... Bran