It has become apparent that Nintendo has decided that every Mario game that is not directly related to the franchise (and by that I mean the ones where you jump around looking for stars wondering why you're even bothering to rescue a co-dependent princess with no sense of personal security), should be made to appeal to gamers no more than seven years old. Let me open this review then, by channelling my inner elementary school self and putting Mario Super Sluggers into terms Nintendo's target audience can understand. Ahem...

   "Mario Super Sluggers is a baseball game with lots of characters. You can play as Mario or Luigi or Wario or Donkey Kong or lots of other people as well. When you are playing, you are trying to beat Bowser Jr. at baseball, but he isn't very good. Afterwards, you have to play against Bowser, but he isn't good either.

   Sometimes I like to play the game with my friend Jimmy, that's the only time it is fun. When I play by myself I am sad because the game is boring, so I like playing with Jimmy. Mom says Jimmy can't come over anymore though because he's poor and smells like cabbage, and because he stole her purse. I wish Jimmy could come over, because without him I don't want to play Mario Super Sluggers anymore."

   There, that pretty much sums up the entire experience. I really should just end the review here and go back to my self-loathing, but I guess I'll keep going because if I stop writing now I have to go play some other crappy game so the longer I can put off the misery the better.

A Long Time Ago, In a Galaxy... No Wait, That's Not Right

   As you would expect, Mario Super Sluggers is the sequel to the the GameCube hit Mario Superstar Baseball. Not much has changed since the last game, with a few gameplay tweaks adding a little depth, but ultimately leaving us with just another quick Nintendo cash-in sure to make a ton of money for reasons I will never understand. It's not that this is a bad game, but it is incredibly boring, and it won't be long before you're reaching for something else off your high stack of crappy Wii games to keep you busy.

   If you're looking for a single-player experience, then the game offers Challenge mode, wherein Bowser Jr. has showed up to wreak havoc at Peach's private baseball island (she can afford baseball islands but can't spring for a decent security system?!). Mario must go from region to region recruiting new players and putting together and all-star team that can take out little Bowser and his bigger, meaner dad. As a brief aside, how exactly did Bowser produce a child? Seems like he's only got eyes for Peach, and I assume she's never let him go near her Peach fuzz (sorry, it was too easy to pass up), so who hatched that little bugger anyway?

   At any rate, Mario must venture to various stages and do a bit of exploring in order to track down all the requisite characters, and whenever a new member is thinking of joining up you must complete a challenge in order to acquire them. It seems like a good idea in theory, but it quickly falls apart. The challenges are supremely stupid and repetitive, often calling for you to do something ludicrously simple like follow commands to throw the right pitch or hit a ball with a charge swing. Once in a while you get a challenging event like hitting a series of balls to whichever side of the field the game commands or turning a double play. By and large though, you'll simply find yourself running from one area to the next, uncovering new characters and completing yawn-inducing challenges. Even though Challenge mode is incredibly short, you'll still tire of it long before it's over.

Do I Even Do Anything in This Game?

Melt My Icy Heart with a Hot Island Song

   I'm sure there are a few people out there getting all pissy right now, thinking, "Hey, I've read other reviews for this game and they really liked it, you're just being a jerk!" Well that's largely true, and I'll admit that there are some things about Mario Super Sluggers that are genuinely a good idea. Once I tell you about them can I go back to being surly? Thanks.

   First up, the game features a neat "chemistry" system that grants some players special abilities when placed in close proximity to one another both in the batting order and on the field. So for example, when Mario and Luigi bat right after one another you'll gain access to special "error items" that will make life miserable for the defense. By simply pointing your Wiimote at the screen and pressing "A" you can unleash turtle shells, banana peels, fireballs or all manner of other device to screw with the defense and net yourself some extra bases. On defense, if you can use characters with chemistry to perform a home run robbing super jump or laser-fast buddy throw to steal sure extra base hits and take down greedy runners. The chemistry system is a lot of fun to tinker with, and you'll find that grouping compatible players both in the lineup and on the field is a fun task in and of itself.

   The title also features a hefty chunk of minigames, including the devilishly addictive Toy Field from Mario Superstar Baseball. This special field plays out like a more aggressive version of pinball, with one player smacking the silver ball and the other three fighting each other for possession of the orb and therefore the right to be next in the batter's box. It's a goofy, hectic event and it helps break up the action between actual baseball games. Also, each field in Challenge mode has both night and day events, so if you need a minigame fix, you won't have to look far.

   Finally, multiplayer can be a lot of fun with a room full of friends, showing once more that the Wii is truly a system for parties and families, and not for lonely losers. If you can get a roomful of people playing a tightly contested game then Mario Super Sluggers can be highly enjoyable, but alone the experience sputters and dies.

Now Back to Your Regularly Scheduled Ass Chewing

   Even though there are definitely some positive aspects to Mario Super Sluggers, the overall experience still falls flat. While the multiplayer is fun for an hour or two and the chemistry system makes team creation more entertaining than it would otherwise be, there's nothing here to keep you entertained for more than a few hours. Rent it for a weekend, play it with your buddies, and then send it back, the only people who will really enjoy this title are the ones who still get milk breaks and recess. Man I miss recess...

       ... Brad