Oh Middle Ages, you were ever so fun. What with the plagues, wars, and shoddy science, it's a wonder anyone survived to tell us about the good ol' days. In the world according to Assassin's Creed ye olde times went something like this... Assassin's good, Crusaders bad, people who want power for the sake of power very bad. And so, with that premise in mind we jump into the world of death and mystery that is the Middle East circa 1191 A.D.

That's a Cool Machine, Does it Make Waffles Too?

   The story of Assassin's Creed is a sort of sci-fi conspiracy tale mixed with revisionist history. While you play the game as Altair, a disgraced assassin, you are really only reliving his memories through Desmond Miles, his present-day descendant. Desmond has been kidnapped by a pharmaceutical company which is really a front for something much more sinister (those vitamins you're taking... you'll be dead in a week), and is forced into the Animus, a machine which allows him to relive the memories of his long-dead ancestor. The people at "Giant Evil Corp, Inc." think that Desmond's ancestor knows the location of a secret treasure, one which will allow them to control all mankind, and if they just fish through Desmond's head long enough, they'll be able to get exactly what they need.

Death to All Who Disagree with Our Chosen Lifestyle!

Run Here, Stab There, Jump Over That Thing, Yawn

   Before Altair can perform his deadly duties, he must gather information on his target. You see, to an assassin knowledge is power, which, btw, would make a much better lesson to the kids that the crap they teach you in 6th grade social studies nowadays. If you told kids that if they paid attention in school they might get to stab people in the neck for a living then you'd solve the education crisis overnight.

   Info gathering includes interrogating and roughing up familiars of the person you're hunting, eavesdropping on conversations, working with informants to get juicy details, and pickpocketing locals with valuable maps. You can also climb up really tall buildings to get a lay of the land, as well as rescue citizens from bullying guards in return for help escaping later on when you're being chased like the filthy murderer that you are.

   For the first few missions you'll be having so much fun with these tasks that you'll likely take care of every little objective dot on your map just so you can get the full experience. Then you'll actually start taking breaks for eating and peeing. And then, around the fourth or fifth mission though, a sad reality will sink in... you're doing the EXACT same thing over, and over, and over again. Literally. There are no missions where you can choose one investigative path over another, and the levels play out the same way every single time. Ultimately, the game suffers one of the worst fates imaginable, as it eventually becomes just plain boring. At least the cities are nice and big, and you can spend all kinds of time running about checking out sights and dropping from roofs thereby scaring the crap out of the local children. You may even pick a few fights with guards just for fun, because you're going to need something to help keep your mind off the repetitiveness.

Why Are You Dangling From That Ledge? Do You Have a Fear of Both Heights AND Falling?

   The title's control system is very ambitious, perhaps even too much so for its own good. Each face button controls a different body part, with your head, legs, and each arm being assigned a specific place. It sounds complicated, but it's really not too bad, and it won't take any time at all before you're squeezing through crowds, running from guards, and engaging in just the kind of fancy swordfights that make children want to reenact what they've seen by poking each other with sharp sticks.

   Where things fall apart, however, is in the "free run" mode, especially when Altair is being chased. You see, normally you stay in "low profile," a mode in which Altair walks slowly, gently pushes people out of his way, and generally does whatever he can to keep from drawing attention to himself. As long as you are being courteous, guards are unlikely to attack you (more on that later), and you can come and go pretty much as you please.

   Things take a turn for the worst in "high profile," however, which is the mode which you must use to pull of Altair's attacks and more impressive acrobatic maneuvers. By holding R1 our hero with a penchant for poking others will start to jog, and holding R1 and X will allow him to sprint, run up walls, and jump from roof to roof. This can be enjoyable when it works, but there are a ton of flaws to fall victim to. Things get downright impossible when you are trying to escape from a gaggle of guards and every move counts. Oftentimes as you're sprinting from danger you'll accidentally run up a wall or grab-leap onto a ledge you didn't mean to snag, costing you precious time and usually allowing soldiers to get in a few cheap shots. And when you turn to face them, combat can also prove clunky, with the lock-on system switching targets erratically and causing you to have a tough time picking out your target when faced with a large group of opponents. Ultimately, the controls are functional, but far from perfect.

Someone Should Have Assassinated This Game

   Aside from the issues already mentioned, there are several more gripes to be had with this title. Firstly, the voice acting for Altair is terrible. Most of his lines are delivered in a somewhat robotic tone that make him sound either hypnotized or deeply under the indoctrination of someone else. For the most free-willed character in the game, he sounds the most like a slave. It really stands out because the rest of the voice crew does a very fine job, which begs the question of how his character could be so botched.

   Also, while the graphics are quite nice when they work, I noticed quite a bit of frame-rate chugging, and even experienced a number complete freeze-ups ending in failure. I know every game has bugs so one crash doesn't bother me, but this one crapped out FIVE TIMES. This sort of problem is unacceptable for such a high-profile title.

   I've been waiting a long time to play Assassin's Creed, and I was really hoping it would be amazing. For the first few hours, I was blown away, believing I was experiencing something transcendent. Then it all came crashing down, and I saw the game for what it truly was: an ambitious title that got horribly mucked up in its execution. During the levels I kept hearing people shout, "Death to the infidel!" - I suppose they were talking about whoever thought this would turn out to be a great game.

       ... Brad