Ah, Lair. Words that have been used to describe - and review - this game would be bleeped on national television and, for the most part, they'd be appropriate. Despite the positive buzz in the shape of cool previews and those badass cinematic trailers, what this turned out to be disappointed many wide-eyed PS3 owners who were desperately waiting for a much needed killer-app.

   I personally think this game's commercial and critical failure reflected more poorly on the system than it did on the developers, which is why, beyond technical flaws, I have a personal distaste against it. Being the first game to truly implement the often mistrusted SIXAXIS control scheme and showcase the system's graphical power, failure to deliver on gameplay convinced few skeptics about PS3's robustness as a platform. This, I think, is why Lair is often looked at as a complete disaster, which is, in my opinion, unfair. The game has a lot of important shortcomings, but it's definitely not the train wreck you might've heard.

Huh? Since when are videogames supposed to be fun?

   What I think is the game's biggest and most unfortunate problem isn't the controls (*gasp* what?), but the fact that it just isn't very fun. Most of its flaws, many of them rooted deep in fundamental game design, lead to an experience that, not unlike a hooker, entertains very much for only a few moments; but, also like a hooker, in the end it leaves you cold, regretful, and sixty bucks poorer (price comparison based on the Nov 07 'buy a one night stand and receive a second one free' coupon).

   I'll start with the simplest of its problems: the game never knows what you're supposed to be doing, and when it does, it doesn't really tell you. The missions aren't properly briefed, just preceded by a cutscene that somehow hints at what you're going to be tasked with ("We have to destroy their base!") and, although there are objective bullets in the pause menu, they're too vague for their own good. Once you actually figure out where the hell you're supposed to maneuver your scaled beast to, you'll see in-game cutscenes that will make you doubt whether you're doing the right thing.

   For instance, in the mission I credit for my high bile count, you're told at one point that you're supposed to destroy the attacking navy. While you're on your way to burn the crap out of those wooden ships that somehow have the firing range of an intercontinental ballistic missile, you're told by your squad leader to go elsewhere. After putting three nickels in the cursing jar and heading towards the new target, you're again urged, in a way that would be comical if you weren't about to commit first degree controller murder, to go and destroy the stupid navy. And so you'll have to hear your superior's pissed off voice telling you to go to ninety four different places every few seconds. And you wouldn't do well in turning the volume down to shut him up, because you never know when he'll spit out a new, more important, mission objective.

What, it's over already?

You might have an easier time riding a real dragon. On a cruise to nowhere. If you can find one.

   Probably the most sounded issue with the game was the poor controls. Now, although I didn't think the SIXAXIS controls were that awful, I do think that it's a dumbass move(industry term) to force this undoubtedly flawed control scheme upon players like steamed vegetables on a six year old. Unlike Heavenly Sword, there is no analog control choice among the options, and despite the problems they had with the North American release, Factor 5 decided against analog controls in European and Japanese versions. Dumb ideas die hard, I suppose.

   As a word of advice, you'll need to remember that the controls do not simulate the dragon, but its reins in Rohn's hands. You have to tug them, move them, etc. Once you separate your head from its sheath inside your sphincter and realize this, you might notice that the controls are surprisingly fluid and in some missions, even relaxing to use.

   Now, here, I'm speaking strictly about the basic maneuvering of the dragon (moving up, down, left, right). Some of the other SIXAXIS functions - you know, the ones you'd be using very often - are very annoying. If I had a million dollars for every headache I got for shaking the controller like a 'tard to destroy catapults, turrets, armor, other dragons, I'd have so much money I'd probably start hemorrhaging golden bullions. It also doesn't help that some of the more useful moves like the 180° turn, which asks you to bring the controller up with one move, are seldom responsive. This broke my dragon's teeth against an oddly textured rocky wall many times.

Play your video games from the comfort of these huge bean bag chairs, our new foam chairs and our super comfortable foof chairs here today!

Devil's in the details.

   Speaking of oddly textured. Ever met those girls who're hot from afar but not so much when you walk towards them? That's Lair. While soaring where eagles fly (on the mountains high), the ground, battles, and especially the sea will look freakishly realistic, especially on an HDTV. Although there's too much bloom for its own good (I wouldn't know, but is the outside really that shiny?), the textures and movements are incredible. If you glide down to further enjoy the view, however, you'll be disappointed. It doesn't suddenly turn into 2x2 pixels, but it definitely doesn't have the life it had from up there.

   And this is the case with almost everything in the game, where things will very much impress you on first sight, but as you look at them closely, more and more bugs and scratchy details will become visible. Or they'll just become boring. Light is something that is particularly screwed up in a distracting way. One night mission where you have to glide among conveniently placed natural formations while avoiding searchlights comes to mind. The searchlights' beams will often skip, miss, go through rocks like a laser beam, etc., and will very much ruin any sense of realism you might have painstakingly built up to that point.

   At first, I was thinking these graphical bugs weren't anything I hadn't seen in games like "Oblivion", but as the game progressed, they got worse. It's like they continually lost interest in making the game look as good as the first missions did. Either that or the devils from marketing clamoring for a "release already" got to them.

   There are also minor frame-rate issues I should mention, but it's nothing too distracting. The graphics, like the sound, are still the game's highlights. And to be fair, while the graphical bugs can be distracting, they never completely manage to make the overall visuals any less impressive. I particularly liked one of the final levels which I won't spoil, but has one hell of a gorgeous and creative looking setting.

So what exactly about this game ISN'T completely ruined?

   Well, for starters, I need to devote a paragraph to the music. Remember how you were watching "The Lord of the Rings" and, after getting past the lazy plotting and Sam and Frodo's questionable sexuality, you listened to the wonderful score and only hoped your ears wouldn't melt? It's something like that with the gorgeous, epic and fully orchestral music Lair offers up to distract you from the gameplay. There were several times where I'd just waste time flying around to listen to the soft, relaxing tune in the background. It's really that good and the only asset of the game that I'd go as far as to call flawless. Hook up your 7.1 surround equipment to fully enjoy it

More from that echoing "things they sort of did right" bin.

   Despite this being a strictly action based game, Lair also has a story to tell. As a fan of fantasy, I did find some sort of enjoyment seeing the story develop. Although many of the turns and bends the plot takes are predictable if you're even remotely familiar with the concept of high fantasy, it's a refreshing distraction from the choppy gameplay. I know, I know: you need to distract yourself from the game to have fun. That's a continuum-bending paradox right there. Halfway through the game, a plot twist will turn things upside down, stirring some renewed interest, which had otherwise become stale even after just six or so missions. At that point, I continued playing more to see what was going to happen next than to continue pretending to have fun because I shelled out 60 dollars for it.

   The story is told via great looking FMV cutscenes directed to match the overall cinematic concept behind Lair. You're going to have to point your ears away from the dialogue, though. This dialogue wouldn't even work in a Star Wars prequel, and, regretfully, it is often delivered with matching acting skill. What with all this new fashion of trying to add depth to your games with some sort of political or social subtext, I was a little distracted when a fundamentally dumb game was trying to expose asinine political, social and even religious views with the subtlety of an elephant hiding behind a cherry.

Godammit, Maverick!

   Putting aside the ultimately forgettable story, the one thing that's most enjoyable about Lair is the aerial battles and the overall sense of action. The camera and locking system will provide for some badass cinematic shots of your fights (I loved locking onto a building and spinning around it while shooting fire), and the in-game dogfights offer great, almost seamless transitions between flight and fights.

   The "bridge" mission, which is fairly early into the game (this is the one you've seen advertised in every single trailer for the game) was definitely one of the best, offering some truly inspiring action sequences and the most real sense of fun I got throughout Lair's length. It was exhausting, in a good way, to be so immersed in the action. Why virtually all other missions were missing this accentuated potential, I have no clue.

   While I found this cool aerial battle system to be important, I wouldn't want you to be fooled by the illusion that you can also leave your dragon and engage in on foot battles as Rohn. You won't ever really do this and, if you do, you'll want to immediately go back to riding the dragon. Rohn is as good a foot warrior as your toaster. The old one that always burns your toast.

   There's also a pretty cool finishing system called "Takedowns", where you lock onto an enemy dragon, press triangle and a cutscene begins, telling you what buttons to press to carry the move out. Yes, it's just like what you've seen in "God of War" and every action game in the history of the universe; only here at least it also tells you to shake, bake, tilt or otherwise move to make Rohn do his thing. These are generally pretty badass moves that consist of creative ways of killing your enemies. But, like many things in the game, they get old faster than making fun of Britney Spears. Yes, dudes, she's bald and overweight now. Get over it.

Can I play something else, now?

   So, in the end, there are many things to make you stop playing, and not many to make you come back. If you have the patience, you'll finish the game after its relatively short length. Unless you're an insane perfectionist, you won't make any use of the game's replayability.

   Every mission can be awarded with gold, silver or bronze medals depending on various factors (how much mayhem you caused, how long it took you, etc). You can unlock new, more powerful dragons and use them in different missions, etc. Based on this, the Lair Online charts let you see who the all-time highest ranked players in the PlayStation Network are so you can have an illusion of online competition. Illusion is important, because there's nothing else as far as online goes. I suppose it would have been cool to have some sort of system for upgrading dragons and nuking them against other players online.

   But I guess that would make the game fun.

       ... Leon Sakau