Oh Mario, you rascal! It blew gamers' minds back in 1996 when Nintendo teamed up with Squaresoft to turn the mustachioed plumber into a legitimate HP-having, level-gaining, turn-based-battle fighting RPG character. Even more mind blowing was that it turned out to be one of the best RPGs for the SNES, a system renowned for having some of the greatest RPGs of all time. Since that blessed day the Mario RPG formula has been successfully applied to a number of other titles, including the flat-as-your-sister Paper Mario and the bros-before-fungus-hoes Mario and Luigi: Superstar Saga. Now, though, a new title has decided to add a level of existential trippiness by re-introducing platformer elements back into the mix. So with Super Paper Mario we are getting a platformer-turned-RPG-turned-into-an-RPG-platformer. Let the bongs gurgle!

It's sort of like Flatland, only totally different.

   It's kind of hard to describe Super Paper Mario's gameplay, so I'm not going to bother. Instead, I'll treat you to a section of dialogue taken from my Lord of the Rings medical fan fiction, "The Pink Eye of Sauron":

   Legolas: Is that sand in your eye or are you just happy to see me?
   Sauron: Screw you, elf.

   [This officially confirms that Mike received the package of exotic Scandinavian shrooms I sent him for 4th of July - ed.]

   Ok, so that didn't wind up being nearly as cool as I imagined it would be. Fine, I'll talk about Super Paper Mario's gameplay. Basically it plays out like an old-school Mario platform game (you hold the Wii-mote sideways like an old NES controller), only with all the RPG elements of the Paper Mario RPGs thrown in. You'll still jump on enemies and gain points, only instead of just squishing said enemies you'll deal actual HP damage, and the points you gain essentially equate to experience points. You'll also do a fair amount of chatting with NPCs and using items, both of the attack and recovery variety, from an inventory. Eventually a couple other characters will join your party (although you can only control one of them at a time), and you'll gain a bunch of neat abilities which you can utilize by equipping various Pixls.

   Pixls are one of the two big deviations from the standard Mario formula; the other is that instead of a stereotypical Italian, Mario is played by a surly Irishman who picks up beer bottles instead of mushrooms. [He also only jumps about a third of the time you try and make him. The rest of the time he just takes another swig of green beer and tells you to "Feck off!" - ed.]

   So, yeah, Pixls are these sort of digital fairies that grant Mario and crew some totally sweet abilities, like being able to execute a hammer attack, turn sideways (thus making them essentially invisible since they're paper thin), or carry out a devastating ground pound. These little bastards add significant depth to the game since you'll frequently encounter puzzle-like situations that require clever use of a Pixl (or several Pixls) to overcome.

I can see through time!

Metrocards at the ready!

   Just like in past Paper Mario games, Mario begins his epic quest to finally get to second base with Princess Peach in a town which serves as the game's central hub. Within this wretched hive of scum and villainy are a number of doors, each leading to another world that becomes accessible as the plot progresses. However, unlike in past Paper Marios, these other worlds are not large areas which you can freely explore at will providing you have the requisite special abilities, but a series of four stages similar to the old NES Super Mario games. Despite this, many of them also include towns to explore and puzzles to solve that feel much more akin to those in other Paper Mario games. Overall the stages have a great degree of variety and will have Mario and crew flying through space blasting enemies a la Gradius, buying their freedom from indentured service in a creepy old mansion, and participating in a tournament against one hundred crazy samurai. At the end of the fourth stage will also be some kind of boss who needs beating [I think it's the Chief of Accounting from the 6th floor - ed.], and while these battles tend to play out much more traditionally than much of the rest of the game, they're clever and engaging enough to get you excited as the end of the fourth stage nears.

A kaleidoscope of wonderment!

   All these nutty shenanigans look great too, thanks to the game's simple yet entrancing art style. Paper Mario games have always shot for a look similar to a child's pop-up book, and Super Paper Mario is no exception. The graphics certainly aren't taxing the Wii's hardware, but the visuals are consistent and very attractive in their simplicity. Everything is bright and colorful, and each of the worlds that Mario explores looks very unique while maintaining the game's overall style. One thing the game has done a little differently is that, instead of making each of its characters out of a single papery sprite, it's constructed many of them out of a series of simple geometric shapes. [See that, kids? Geometry in real life! And there you were thinking it was only created to make 5th grade a living hell! - ed.] While this tends to make the characters look like stunted little square people (not unlike typical retail employees), it also allows a greater degree of fluidity in their motion and makes them appear more dynamic. 'Tis a tradeoff, it is.

   The music and sound are pretty much the standard stuff one would expect from a Mario game, and not really worth wasting a lot of words on. Also as one would expect, there's no real voice acting, but we do get to year tons of little yells like, "Whoo!" and, "Oh yeah!" I know these drive some people crazy, but I eat them up like a super stoned guy with a bag of Doritos. Hmmm, now that I think about it, maybe those guys who say that Mario is really all about encouraging substance abuse are right after all... This requires more investigation... and a lot more Doritos...

   It should also be noted (and so it shall!) that since this was originally intended to be a Gamecube game, Super Paper Mario doesn't really put the Wii motion-sensing capabilities through their paces. You can move the controller when bouncing off enemies to net a couple extra points, and you can gain info about most on-screen object by pointing the remote at them, but that's about it. Oh the missed opportunities! My anguish is boundless!

Fine! I admit it! A Mario game made me cry!

   While everything I've discussed so far, from the innovative gameplay to the rather forgettable soundtrack is pretty much par for the Mario course, the thing that was actually really surprising was how good the story was. Now, when I first heard the game's basic premise it didn't exactly leave me chomping at the bit to hear how it played out. The evil Count Bleck is using an item called the Chaos Heart (powered by all the bad feelings in folks' hearts) to create a void that will eventually consume all worlds. [It's also reportedly responsible for him misspelling his own name at the Social Security office - ed.] Therefore Mario and crew must journey to eight different worlds to collect eight Pure Hearts (powered by love, of course!) in an effort to counteract said evil machinations. It's never a very good sign when your plot resembles that of a made-for-TV Care Bears movie. And the new characters definitely weren't helping things either. Between Count Bleck's losing battle with Pokemon syndrome (bleh heh heh, Bleck!) and O'Chucks' flatulence-powered flight, I was pretty much set to declare the game's plot a wash. Suddenly, out of left field came a Romeo and Juliet-like tragic romance sub-plot which packed a shocking amount of weight, and from there everything kicked into high gear. The previously moronic villains developed more nuanced personalities, the mini storylines within each chapter became much more complex, and the theme of paradise lost began to slowly unite every aspect of the narrative. Heck, it was like a Shakespeare play, except instead of being grim-faced Danes or Scots, the characters were fat, little cartoon Italians and monstrous turtles. Now, don't get me wrong, we're not talking a complex plot like Vagrant Story or Knights of the Old Republic. But for a Mario game the story was surprisingly poignant. I'm not ashamed to admit that I teared up a little at the end. ...okay, I am ashamed. Don't tell anybody. Please?

   So does Super Paper Mario do justice to the Paper Mario series? You bet! Does it do right by fans of old school Mario platformers? Indeed! Does it do your Mom? Oh hell yeah! Everybody's taken a whack at that bitch! Aaaanyway, Super Paper Mario is really swell and the first must-own title for the Wii if, like me, you bought Twilight Princess for the Gamecube. Well, I guess Wii Sports is also kind of a must-own, since it comes with the system. Although, I guess you could always buy the system, then get rid of Wii Sports. So Wii Sports is really a "Must-Buy" not a "Must-Own". Super Paper Mario is both, that's why you should definitely elect it your next congressperson. That or, y'know, play it. Either is good.

       ... Mike Zeller