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The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess screenshots:
I wish I brought my bathing suite
Link defends his bucking bronco championship
Drop and roll!
God I hate Mardi Gras
That was my last pudding pop you bastard!
I think I saw this in an anime
No, I have not seen your chicken, so stop asking!
My dog got one of those on it once
Say it, do not spray it
The three lizard stooges
A good time was had by all
Link prefers the taste of stolen chicken
Nice mustache
A goblin demonstrates the ejection seat on his boar
Dinosaurs are extinct my ass!
They only come out at night...
Yeah, I am not shaking that hand
Link likes kitties
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Well excuuuuuuuse me, Princess! I'm a man with certain expectations about life. I expect to get French fries when I order a burger at a restaurant. I expect a guy to go down if I kick him in the junk. I expect to have Saturday and Sunday off if I work Monday through Friday. And most importantly, I expect Legend of Zelda games to be as innovative as they are fun. I mean, if you look at how the series has developed, I think I have good reason to think so. The first Legend of Zelda featured revolutionary gameplay that finely mixed exploring, puzzle solving, and stabbing monsters in the face. A Link to the Past expanded upon the world of the first two games, creating two parallel kingdoms to explore and a massive, lengthy quest. Ocarina of Time successfully carried the series into the 3D realm and gave all of its characters some genuine personality. Even the recent Wind Waker fills these criteria by radically reimagining the look of little Link and his world. Thus I popped Twilight Princess into my Gamecube (after reciting the proper prayer and making a substantive blood sacrifice to Shigeru Miyamoto) with similar expectations. Did it live up to them? My, aren't you in a hurry! That's probably why no one likes you. It's time somebody taught you patience, and it might as well be me, so sit your little butt down while I gradually meet my word quota.
Dressed to herd The game opens with an oddly dressed Link peacefully living out his days herding goats and acting all self-conscious around the mayor's daughter. Awwww, isn't that sweet! Of course this would be a really boring game for everyone but Harvest Moon fans (the most reprehensible scum of the Earth [hey now! That just isn't fair to politicians and lawyers, ok buddy? - ed.]) if it just ended there, so in short order Link's village is invaded by goblins straight out of The Lord of the Rings and Link is sucked into the Twilight Realm (that'll teach him to flush while still sitting down!). When in the Twilight Realm Link transforms into an animal much like in the Dark World of The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past. However, instead of turning into a cute pink bunny, he changes into a vicious blue-eyed wolf. With the aid of Midna, a little imp creature he meets in the Twilight Realm [oh hey there, Okami! - ed.], Link travels the land of Hyrule banishing the evil Twilight creatures and restoring peace to the land. What a nice young man.
Further elfin adventures
I'm willing to bet that most of you have played a Zelda game before and are thusly aware that exploration is the heart of them. The Hyrule of Twilight Princess is large and lush like... hmm, drawing a sudden blank here... [how about 'large and lush like my labor of loooove?' Kinda has a nice ring to it, don't you think? - ed.]. You'll spend a great deal of the game canvassing the countryside in an effort to ferret out every last rupee and heart piece. And unlike the cruel, unyielding reality in which we eke out our pathetic existences, the amount of effort you put into hunting for goodies is usually directly proportional to how much swag you find. Like all its elder Zelda brethren before it, Twilight Princess does an excellent job of really encouraging the player to explore every nook and cranny, to continuously cross every horizon in the hopes of finding just one more exciting trinket. Or in the hopes of discovering new civilizations. Whatever tickles your pickle. Anyway, it's sort of like antique shopping, only without any of the fat old people in short-shorts. Well, there aren't too many of them, anyway.
Of course if all you did in the game was wander around an empty fantasy landscape looking for adventure, Twilight Princess would be kind of like, well, kind of like Shadow of the Colossus. And we all know how that turned out. [Buuuuurn!!!! - ed.] No, the world of Twilight Princess is thankfully populated with a host of well-designed, and extraordinarily flamboyant NPCs you can interact with, as well as a cadre of vicious monsters. Combat in Twilight Princess is handled exactly the same as in past 3D Zeldas. Once an enemy gets into range holding the L-button locks onto it, at which point you can close with it and pummel it with sword swings. The fighting is pretty simple, particularly in the beginning where the standard goblins, Moblins, and rats offer less of a challenge then extracting a recalcitrant booger from deep within your nasal passage. [Am I the only one who has such troubles with those? - ed.] As you get further into the game, though, a phantom swordsman will begin to make periodic appearances, instructing Link in various more complex sword techniques. And by the time you start running into the Stalfos Knights, Redead, and Iron Knuckles later in the game you will definitely need all those skills. Trust me, some of these guys are real pains in the ass. God damn I hate those Redead! Thankfully the combat comes together well and the enemy difficulty tends to increase along with the player's combat proficiency, so fighting is typically a satisfying, rewarding experience. Just like at AA meetings.
Not the sexy kind of dungeon Once you're done wasting time aimlessly wandering the hills and valleys of Hyrule it's time to once again venture into its dank, dark dungeons. Just like all past Zeldas, Twilight Princess has its fair share of the things, each one of which Link will need to conquer to recover some kind of magical doodad necessary for the salvation of the world. [In case you are wondering, this is very close to what the magical creatures known as 'girlfriends' experience as they drift across suburban malls - ed.] And identical to all those dungeons of days gone by, those in Twilight Princess are filled to the brim with a host of beasties in need of a good stabbing, and a number of clever puzzles also in need of a good stabbing. But you have to solve them instead. As is the proud Zelda tradition the puzzles are almost always tricky but barely ever frustrating. They usually fall somewhere in that glorious middle ground between having immediately obvious solutions and being so obtuse that you go running to GameFAQs spouting obscenities after spending hours dragging blocks around to no avail. Speaking of which, Twilight Princess can hold its hypothetical head high [why does that somehow sound pornographic? - ed.], because it rarely subjects players to mind-numbing block-pushing puzzles or any of that switch-flipping tedium. It's the little things like this that remind us once again why Nintendo is one of the highest-regarded developers on the planet.
The highlight of each of the dungeons, though, is unquestionably the massive boss encounters at their conclusion. In fact it could be argued that said bosses are the highlights of the entire game. These guys are huge (and I'm not talking about their height! yeah I went there!), and it's hard not to feel somewhat cowed when they first explode into view, dwarfing little Link several times over. But just like those in all past Zelda games, each one has a very specific weakness, usually relating to the new item Link has recovered from the dungeon. I bet that bow and those arrows are going to come in real handy against that guy with the one huge eye. And just as their appearances are daunting, when you manage to take down one of these towering behemoths of mayhem it's pretty hard not to feel like THE MAN! Y'know, sort of like how it feels when you finally nab that really hot chick you've had your eye on. Your one huge eye. Yeah, I'll bet you do...
On the subject of bars and the height at which they are set So if this game's really so great, how come only an 8.5? Because, frankly, everything this game does well a previous Zelda has done better. The combat offers nothing new beyond the tweaks made in Wind Waker. Many of the locations, including all of the dungeons, feel ripped straight from Ocarina of Time, as does the presence of a little magical sidekick. The story? Ancient evil sealed away in a dark world enlists the aid of a nefarious wizard to conquer two kingdoms? Yeah, I played Link to the Past back in 1992. And the only thing it offers up with any real uniqueness to it (that whole turning-into-a-wolf thing) ends up feeling more like a gimmick by about halfway through the game. The wolf certainly has some neat abilities, what with being able to follow scent trails and burrow into hidden treasure caverns, but his set of skills is much smaller than that of human Link, and he never gains any more beyond those he possesses at the beginning of the game. Once you obtain the ability to freely transform back and forth, wolf-Link seems much more like just another item.
Now don't get me wrong, this is still a great game. If you own a Gamecube or a Nintendo Wii you really should go out and get it. It's a lengthy, engaging quest with a whole lot to like. It's just that when I play a Zelda game, I'm really expecting something revolutionary. Something innovative. Something original. And there really isn't much here that we haven't already seen in another Legend of Zelda. Even the music and the graphics feel familiar. Most of the tunes are takes on previous Legend of Zelda themes, and while the quasi-photo-realistic look is new to the series, we've all definitely seen this style in other video games. Personally, I kind of prefer the cel-shaded look of Wind Waker.
Wicked Wii In the end, with the release of the Wii (for which Twilight Princess is of course a flagship product) it seems like Nintendo decided to go a bit on the safe side, figuring that the innovations of the console itself should be enough to satisfy innovation junkies like myself. Of course I went and played it on the GameCube. And liked it, don't get me wrong! But as a long-time fan of The Legend of Zelda, it's hard not to feel a tad disappointed, especially considering how long this game was in development. In the end, I suppose all I can do is close with a question: how come in the land of video games Zelda is a hot elf princess, while in the real world pretty much anyone named Zelda is an aged, chain-smoking woman with skin like a briefcase and hair like copper wire? How come indeed.
...
Mike Zeller
Summary: Another solid game in the Legend of Zelda franchise, but one that is slightly disappointing in its lack of innovation.
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Systems: Gamecube, Wii
Genre: Action/Adventure
Setting: The medieval fantasy kingdom of Hyrule.
Mood: Fairly grim, particularly for a Zelda game.
Story: An evil wizard from the Twilight Realm has conquered Hyrule and shrouded the land in perpetual twilight. It's up to Link and the diminutive twilight creature, Midna, to save the day.
Graphics: Good, but somewhat of a letdown considering how long this game was in development for.
Music/Sound: The same classic Zelda tunes we've all grown to know and love as well as a smattering of new ones that fit in just as well.
Voice Acting: Limited to the odd greeting or grunt.
Script/Dialog: On par with that of the last couple 3D Zelda games.
Similar Games: The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time, The Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask, The Legend of Zelda: Wind Waker, etc., etc.
Gameplay: A wonderful mixture of fighting and puzzle solving, just like in all the past Legend of Zelda games.
Strengths: The same excellent Legend of Zelda gameplay that has been the hallmark of the series since the '80s.
Weaknesses: Doesn't really introduce anything new to the series gameplay wise, graphics don't wow like past iterations of the series.
Depth: You probably couldn't wade into it.
Length: About 40 hours. Around ten more if you're a completionist.
Pace: Fairly slow
Difficulty: Easy to Moderate.
Control: Decent, although auto-jumping never feels completely comfortable and the fact that you perform so many different actions with the A-button sometimes gets a little awkward.
Learning Curve: Comfortably gradual.
Replayability: There are plenty of sidequests, so if you missed a bunch you might want to give it another go.
Will keep you up until (a.k.a Fun
Factor): Really late. Like, way past your bedtime.
Notable Features: It's The Legend of Zelda, only Link is a lycanthrope! Sweet!
Fav. Character: Rusl, because he's a middle-aged hero, a rarity in video games.
Instant Classic: Perhaps not as much so as all the other Zelda games.
Publisher: Nintendo
Developer: Nintendo
Release Date: 2006-12-11
Players: 1
Multiplayer: C'mon, this isn't Four-Swords.
ESRB: Teen, because Wolf-Link likes to eat babies.
Target Audience: Folks in the mood for some adventuring.
Recommended For: Anyone who likes adventure games and doesn't need something super-original.
Not Recommended for: People who haven't been impressed with the last couple of 3D Zeldas.
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