The story of Elite Beat Agents begins in feudal Japan. In a small village in the mountains, seven samurai lay weary and beaten in the center of town. As the walls of the village begin to crumble around them, a young boy sheds a single tear in the shadows of his home. It had only been a few weeks earlier that he was sent on the greatest quest of his life: to go out into the world and find help.

   The village was under attack by savage invaders, and the local law enforcement was no match for the brutal chaos brought on by the savages. The boy sought protection in every corner of the land, and assembled a team of warriors - a team of samurai. These seven samurai vowed to protect the village at all cost, but as the fight wore on it became clear that the cost would be their lives.

   The samurai had fought with honor, but they were tired, and did not posses the power to continue the fight. In that moment, when the rest of the village had lost hope, the boy fought back the only way he knew how: through the power of DANCE! The boy jammed some uplifting grooves, and the samurai felt the awesome power of the boy's dance rhythm. With renewed confidence, the samurai stood up and held their ground. The rhythm and the motion of pure, untainted dance gave them the power to save the village from certain doom. Since that day, the Japanese have refined and honed the techniques introduced by the small village boy. Elite Beat Agents is the culmination of these years of experience.

...

   Actually, I just made that up. Elite Beat Agents is actually the American version of a game called "Osu! Tatakae! Ouendan", which is a game about male cheerleaders and Japanese pop songs. When they brought it overseas, the cheerleaders became secret agents [because let's face, we here in Hicksville are not secure enough in our own sexuality to handle male cheerleaders - ed.] and the Japanese pop became American pop. The Seven Samurai is a Kurosawa film, and features no dancing whatsoever. You should still see it, though.

Dancing without getting off the couch: A dream come true

   EBA consists of a series of miniature stories of people in peril. In their darkest hour, when their world cannot get any darker, when they have nowhere else to turn, they call on the Elite Beat Agents to help. The Agents show up and sing a song that is only sometimes appropriate. (Skater-Boi for a taxi car-chase?) The song and dance magically motivates the individuals to attack their problems head-on and [we are as surpised as you are - ed.] - actually succeed.

   The player's job is to tap targets on the screen in rhythm with the music. As the game progresses, the targets dance around the screen faster and more frequently. The game also features a slider, where the player must keep their stylus on a ball as it follows a path, and a spinner, which gives the player the opportunity to gain some valuable bonus points.

   The attraction of this game is not instantly obvious [if you can believe that - ed.], but after spending some quality time with it the game becomes quite addicting. The song list is varied and very fitting. The American pop songs chosen give a sampling of a variety of styles, rhythms, and decades. While some will be appeased with the addition of Good Charlotte, others (insert loaded pause) will have fond memories of listening to "You're the Inspiration" while making out with a hand puppet in my parent's basement. Yes, you! You know who you are.

   The cumulative score is another nice addition. The game keeps a running tally of the total score as the player progress through the songs and even through the difficulties. Higher scores unlock better ranks and special songs. This adds value to playing the easier difficulties that players may have skipped. This also adds a level of replayability. It goes without saying that players will go back and try to get as many perfect scores as possible to unlock the elusive "Survivor" by Destiny's Child.... cough.

It's more than a game. It's a game that has SHAZAAM! and some downsides too. Basically, it's an isosceles triangle.

If you listen closely, you can hear the soothing melody of a fat lady. She's singing. 'Cause I'm just about done. Go-Go Fat Lady!

   Except for a few flaws, Elite Beat Agents is flawless. Provided you enjoy rhythm games, the simple yet challenging gameplay, combined with the nice variety of songs and a humorous premise, makes EBA one of the better handheld games of 2006. You have my permission to purchase. Now rejoice.

       ... Phr4nk