After a series of nonsensical cutscenes, we begin the game as Inphyy: a young and reckless warrior. She is proud and righteous, and apparently has no soul. By the third level, Inphyy is killing helpless, screaming women and children. Here's the catch: you control Inphyy. To complete the third mission - before you are allowed to play as any other characters - you must slice through cowering, helpless villagers. That is so messed up I can't even make fun of it.

When in doubt, head back the way you came in

   My personal opinion notwithstanding, how much YOU enjoy Ninety Nine Nights largely depends on how much you enjoy backtracking. The levels in the game are large, but not linear. The phrase "nonlinear", which means branching paths that lead to multiple dynamic outcomes, should not be confused with "not linear", which means shitty level design. In each 30-45 minute mission, there are (maybe) four to five health packs, which take the form of floating, spinning treasure chests. Memorizing the locations of these chests is crucial, since they are never near any major battle. Instead, they wait at the beginning of the level, or under a rock at the end of a long, otherwise useless path. This means that during any major battle, you will have to leave the fast-paced action for a 10 minute trip to the closest treasure chest. To make matters worse, some of the chests don't even contain health, instead pumping up the orb meter by a fraction of a percentage point. This actually worked in my favor, since I had plenty of time to work on my latest project: getting the dog to sit on the analog stick while I go make a sandwich. After a long, uninteresting journey to a red herring, players must wander farther backwards to a previous chest, thus extending the dull trip another 10 minutes. The developers didn't even implement a run button. Instead, you waste twenty minutes briskly walking away from a battle, and then turning around and briskly walking back. The game is not so much an RPG as it is a "meandering simulator".

   If you think that sounds fun, then there is no way to prepare you for the sheer joy you will feel when you die for the first time. Every single death results in you, the player, restarting the mission from the beginning. You see, the game is not particularly difficult until near the end of each level. The only real opportunity to die lies no less than 30 minutes deep in any given mission. To try to defeat a boss three times is to waste an hour and a half, while only spending roughly 10 minutes actually playing. What happens during the other hour and 20 minutes? Well,that's pretty much up to you. I knit a sweater-vest. [I've seen it. It's very tasteful. - ed.]

Being pretty will score a few points; 6.5 to be exact

   How does a game this bad still manage a 6.5 rating? Graphics. The game looks nice. The environments are quite varied, going from field to forest to desert to snow level. They are literally a castle and a dark-world away from Super Mario 3. The characters are well modeled and the animations look fluid. The real draw is the number of characters that fill up the screen. It is fun to charge into the middle of a crowd and watch the bodies fly as you press X. That's pretty much it. That's the best part. This game is fun like Jager-bombs: if you can still smile after 30 minutes, consider yourself lucky and move on. Too much more and you're spending the rest of the night puking in your best friend's dresser drawer. Sorry about that dude. You're going to need to buy some new shirts.

       ... Phr4nk