I confess. Normally, when I'm looking for games to review, I tend to stick to things I think I have at least a decent chance of liking. Call it self-serving, but if I'm going to sink 15-40 hours into something, I want to be having at least a little bit of fun (that, incidentally, is also a pretty good rule of thumb to follow in romantic relationships). Every once in a while, though, I'll pick something pretty much out of the blue (also good for romantic relationships). Maybe it has interesting cover art, maybe the description on the box sounds really bizarre (provides decades of intense toe combat!!!), or maybe I've just heard absolutely nothing about the game from any of the numerous sources I periodically check and I'm simply curious what its deal is. Urban Chaos: Riot Response was one of the latter cases. I really knew nothing about it other than it was a FPS involving the police fighting crazed gangs.

   I have another confession to make: I am a fairly liberal-minded person. I usually vote Democratic, I frequently bashed the current administration in a newspaper column I used to write, and I even protested the Iraq war once, back before protesting the war was cool [goddamn, that shit is cool now?! Once again, this could have been brought to my attention YESTERDAY!! - ed.]. That being said, when Urban Chaos's title screen loaded up and its background was a giant, fluttering American flag with images of bullets and powerful firearms cycling beneath it, my initial thought was, "Oh no..." [My initial thought: I wonder what police chief's drug money paid for THIS game... - ed.]

Everybody loves the police! Well, at least everybody who's still alive.

   In Urban Chaos: Riot Response you play as veteran police officer Nick Mason who has recently been transferred to the new, heavily armed riot squadron of his city (which, for whatever reason is never named and shall therefore henceforth be referred to as Weinerville). The squad is named T-Zero, for zero tolerance for crime [those cops are just so incredibly clever! - ed.], and has been trained to respond to the recent brutal gang attacks with equally brutal tactics (how pleasant!). The first mission opens with the Burners (an extremely violent gang of mask-wearing hooligans that has recently appeared in the city and, y'know, started burning things) attacking a police station in an attempt to free several of their incarcerated members. T-Zero arrives on the scene in their armored truck, crashing through gates and running over gang member like it was their job (which I suppose it is). When the truck finally grinds to a halt, Mason gets out and begins the skull-busting.

   Essentially, Urban Chaos is a fairly generic FPS; use the left analog stick to move, the right analog stick to aim, and once you've lined up the aiming reticule with a gang member's noggin, pull the trigger and shower his compatriots with brain confetti. Do that a couple dozen times and you finish a mission; bring on the cheap champagne and the hot girls in skimpy bikinis! Graphically the game doesn't hold a candle to most of the other more recent shooters (seriously, considering how new this game is, the visuals look pretty dated) and there isn't much of anything memorable in the music department. Of course, if that was absolutely it then I'd end the review right here. Thankfully for my 2,000-word quota, there are a number of little quirks that help the game stand out. Seeing as how Urban Chaos is a shooter, let's start with the guns, shall we?

Shoot first, reload later.

I shield myself with justice! Also, a solid inch of bulletproof plastic.

   An even more clever twist is the incorporation of the riot shield. As Mr. Mason is a riot officer (which, regrettably, is not a clown who is also a policeman), it makes sense that he would have a riot shield, which you can quickly have him bring up into a protective position my pressing the L-trigger. I'm not sure how realistic it is, but that shield can take some serious punishment. Hurled meat cleavers, high-caliber rifle shots, huge explosions, the sight of the morbidly obese; nothing gets through this thing. And it's more than just a gimmick, too. Saunter into a room like a shmuck and gang members will likely shoot the ever-loving crap out of you. A smart cop [a rare occurrence, admittedly - ed.] walks in with his riot shield up and uses its impenetrable defense to quickly take stock of the situation before blowing his enemies away. Of course, stand there gawking for too long and a gang banger will likely run up, knock your shield away and stab you in the neck (think pissed off waiter at Arby's). Also, the more punishment your shield takes, the harder it will get to see through, so you still have to be pretty quick on the draw.

   The shield comes in handy during the periodic hostage situations too. You'll need to protect yourself from enemy shots until he pauses to reload, then give him a face full of leaden justice. Just in case you are still experiencing any confusion with respect to whether or not you should give in to your shrieking 8-year-old's demands to buy him this game, the hostage standoffs frequently end with the injured hostage-taker stumbling backwards into highly electrified machinery or off a building onto the spinning blades of a rising helicopter. So yes, you should definitely buy this for your growing little axe murderer. [We also recommend blood-spiked milk shakes - they've been shown to really get the rage going in young boys aged 5-11 - ed.]

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Shotgun round to the back or stun gun to the testicles? Oh, the choices!

   One rather odd aspect of the game is that, in the same heartbeat with the truly epic levels of violence (e.g. after you shoot a gang member backwards into a full bath tub during a hostage situation, the infuriated hostage hurls a plugged-in TV into the water after him - yaouch!) the game also puts some emphasis on protecting people, using non-lethal force to incapacitate enemies and generally being a little Ms. Goody TwoShoes. While the Burners do enjoy getting into firefights with police, they also seem to like setting buildings ablaze and terrorizing civilians. Therefore, along with the police, Ms. TwoShoes (I mean, Nick Mason) also works closely with the fire and medical emergency response personnel throughout the game. Sometimes you'll simply be guarding a medic treating an injured civilian or shooting cover for some pinned-down police officers, but often other characters will also join your group to help in your altruitist quest, and you'll even be able to issue simple commands to them (i.e. advance, wait, break down that door, treat my wounds, hug my shaft, etc.). While many of these segments could be given the dreaded name of "escort missions" (police can protect themselves, but firefighters and EMTs are essentially defenseless) they're usually pretty painless. Unarmed characters normally try and hide when you come under attack, and they also have fairly lengthy health bars [maybe it's the bulletproof plastic in their morning coffee? - ed.], so even if a few shots do get through, you don't have to worry about them keeling over from a few scratches. After all, what's getting shot a couple of times among friends? So yes, its mostly the strange combination of all these positive deeds with the ultra gratuitous violence that will make you twitch.

Speak now, or forever hold my piece.

   While most of the gang members are destined for toe-tags, the game does encourage you to take a few alive for questioning. [After all, there is nothing quite like a live subject for teaching torture techniques to your kids - ed.] Although often easier said then done, if Mason can get in close enough, a quick thrust with the stun gun will topple a foe without killing him (of course, on occasion your fellow officers will still shoot incapacitated foes as they fall down, but it still "technically" counts as a live capture). Taking down gang leaders this way unlocks secret side-missions, which in turn can be completed to unlock more T-Zero weaponry available at the start of each mission. Knocking out regular grunts with the stun gun adds points to your non-lethal enforcer quota for the level. Get enough of those and you'll earn medals. Get enough medals and you'll unlock special bonuses, most of which are boosts to your weapons and armor. Of course, you also earn medals for finding evidence (in the form of gang masks), not using the mid-level checkpoints, and for blowing off lots and lots of heads, so the game's mercy towards offenders shouldn't be given too much emphasis [it's more of an ass-covering technique in case those anti-game-violence people enter the room - ed.]. On a side note, the medals do add a bit of replay value, since often multiple runs through each level will be necessary to earn all the medals.

Well if it isn't my old friend, propaganda!

   But what about my earlier misgivings about the game's possible political inclination? Well, let's just say they were not assuaged by what followed.

   Before each mission there is a somewhat lengthy cut-scene that plays out like a news report about the events taking place in the game. Although not necessarily a new approach, it is a fairly clever way of revealing plot while remaining true to the game's contemporary urban setting. However, a problem arises from the fact that whoever wrote these segments clearly pays little attention to actual news reporting. In many of the reports news anchor Lani York will mention that the events of the previous mission took place over a month ago, but then will go on to describe said events in great detail, as if it was breaking news. Compare to the reality of mainstream media which barely mentions anything that happened more than a few hours ago, never mind months! The business being as cut-throat as it is in its rush to instantaneously report every microscopic detail about missing white women or what celebrity is pooping on little kids, no media outlet in the world would have the time to go into this level of detail in describing the previous month's riot. [Unless of course it involved a tragic decapitation of a cute white kitten. Which happened to be loved by Jesus. Then it would be perfectly ok to regurgitate it until the hairballs came home - ed.] It's clear the actress playing Lani is having a hard time swallowing this as well [I don't think I need to crack a joke here since you obviously already did so in your dirty little head! - ed.] - much of her dialogue comes across as very forced. While this will likely impede your suspension of disbelief there is a much more serious issue around the corner.

   In the beginning of the game Lani describes at length the rather negative public response to T-Zero, as locals are understandably concerned about a heavily armed, paramilitary force, encouraged to shoot first and ask questions later, out on the street. Also, many of the political figures tied to T-Zero are constantly embattled in various scandals, many similar to those facing the current political administration. However, fairly soon all is set right, with the public coming to love T-Zero with all their little hearts. All its political supporters are vindicated (hell, they even have the left-wing critic get thrown in jail for corruption). It gets so heavy-handed with this that you think there has to be a twist. But there isn't. Nope. T-Zero, its conservative political advocates, and the huge companies that finance it are all the good guys. [Spoiler Alert!] And the Burners? Guess what? They're part of a militant Middle-Eastern group bent on brining anarchy to the United States just because they're jerks! *Gasp!* Seriously, I couldn't believe they actually went through with such a ridiculous plot. [End Spoilers] Way to feed off the public paranoia, gentlemen. Thankfully very little of this right wing BS comes up during the actual missions, and all of these scenes are skipable. Take my advice and just skip them. You won't miss much.

You win some, you lose some.

   All in all, Urban Chaos: Riot Response is a decent enough game. It won't win any awards for design or storytelling, but it succeeds in the much more important area of providing fun, satisfying, and thoroughly gruesome gameplay with a handful of tweaks that help it stand out from the rank and file. As long as you make sure to skip those crappy-ass fake news reports, you're sure to have hours of fun blowing large, bloody holes in people who look like Jason from Friday the 13th. And isn't that what our trite little mundane lives are really all about?

       ... Mike Zeller