While some skillful fighting can turn the tide in a close struggle, most battles will be decided by careful planning and preparation beforehand. Along with typical strategy-RPG tasks like properly equipping your characters and teaching them special abilities, there are several other factors you'll need to contend with. Like in real warfare, weather, terrain, and time of day all have an effect on how well your troops can fight (also, whether their moms will let them come out that day). Skeleton knights are nearly unstoppable at night, but during the day they'll likely get schooled by their non-undead counterparts. Run into some mermaids in the mountains and pretty much whatever you field (even flatulent pre-teens or one-legged squirrels with nunchukas) can kick their asses. But make the mistake of tangling with them in water while it's raining and your troops will be singing a different tune. A real silent one. Because they'll be dead. And had by the mermaids. Once you've got a firm grasp of how these factors work, even those stinky middle-schoolers will be rolling across the countryside like unstoppable juggernauts [or Katamaris, if you insist on being all cute and stuff - ed.].

Who with the what now?

   Sounds fairly simple, right? Well, yes and no. While you strategy-loving geeks may be pulling out your own rapidly thinning hair (among other things) after reading that laundry list of cool stuff I just described, let me give you fair warning: this game will almost immediately sort the men from the little sissy boys who wet their pants and go running to mommy the first time a giant ogre forcibly has his way with their angel princess [the custom recording of which can now be pre-ordered for only $19.95 VHS, $24.95 DVD - ed.]. Pretty much from the instant the first turn starts, all the dozens of little factors in this game will come crashing onto you like a confused old lady driving a sedan, and believe me, even as a seasoned veteran of this kind of thing, I was immediately overwhelmed and remained that way for some time. Those of you expecting the simple interface of Final Fantasy Tactics, or even the slightly more complicated Dragon Force, are in for a significant shock. And, frankly, I don't think most gamers will have the patience to figure all this out by themselves, which they'll have to. Despite the fact that in almost every story campaign some character claims he's going to show you how to fight, there is no in-game tutorial. They are all filthy liars, especially that baby phoenix. I hate that bitch. Anyway, it's a real shame there aren't any clear directions, because this is a game that screams for some handholding early on.

   For one thing, the menus are extremely confusing. They use bizarre, three letter abbreviations that really require a lot of trial-and-error to make sense of For example, "ARG" means "organize which of your commanders are able to defend a specific territory." [And there I was thinking that was just the sound you makee when a little kid punches you in the Crunch Berries. Go figure. - ed.] Thankfully most of the vital activities are labeled relatively clearly.

   Another issue is that the exact effects terrain and weather have on your troops are never really explained. In the menu there is simply a circle next to a condition if it gives a bonus and an X next to one if there's a penalty. Like determining how much salsa you can feed your friend's dog before he throws up all over the place, understanding these factors is really just something you'll slowly get a feel for over time. Even still, there will be times where the status breakdowns at the beginning of battles will seem to have come right out of left field. Particularly that area in the stands just beyond left field, where the fat, painted, drunken guys are leaping about and hollering incomprehensible obscenities.

   I suppose I should also mention that there is a fair amount of graphical slow-down, particularly during the battle scenes when a lot is going on at once. Again, this really doesn't take much away from the experience. It's a strategy game, after all, so unlike when goosing wild baboons, split-second timing isn't a necessity. Also, some of the dialogue can get a little crunchy. I kind of got the feeling in a few places that perhaps the translator was not as proficient in English as he perceived himself to be.

Would you complain if the hottest girl you ever met was customarily fifteen minutes late for your dates?

   While the initial confusion was kind of annoying, it certainly wasn't a deal-breaker. Similarly to that first leap into an outdoor swimming pool, it feels incredibly uncomfortable first, but once you get accustomed to the temperature, it starts to feel really, really good. Especially if you pee a little bit.

   What you end up getting in exchange for all this hassle in the beginning (in addition to the pee-pee pants), is a game with a great deal of longevity. As you begin to understand your different capabilities, you'll start to incorporate more and more factors into your overall strategy, and this in turn will make each successive play-through that much more engaging. Between building up your cities and towns, altering the map terrain, hunting for secret treasures and commanders in caves and towers, experimenting with different commanders, coming to the conclusion that you should not hit on attractive women while playing a hand-held strategy game, and constructing forts and item factories, you're certainly not going to run out of things to do quickly. There's so much in fact, that even after four campaigns, I still found myself tweaking my tactics (hmmmmm... that sounds kind of naughty).

   For all you strategy fans who own a PSP, I really feel this game is a must-buy. It's got everything you could want: tons of unique commanders, dozens of different kinds of troops, freedom to develop your own nation the way YOU want it, gorgeous, gorgeous women who will pander to your every whim, and just the generally addictive gameplay that will keep you picking up your PSP whenever you've got a few spare minutes on your lunch break, during your commute, when a teacher pauses for breath during a lecture, or when that uppity bailiff turns away for a second. Just don't expect Final Fantasy Tactics. But you still will. So as I said earlier, you won't like it. Well you know what? It's too good for you anyway! Filthy bastards...!

       ... Mike Zeller