From the moment a Metal Slug game loads up, it just screams arcade. [Yes, in that annoying pre-pubescent squeaky-voice that haunts your dreams - ed.] The music is driving, the colors are bright and flashy, the sound effects are loud and memorable, and the voices are cheesy. Yup, that's the arcade. If you grew up as a child of the '80s, or even the early '90s, or even just as a child, for crap's sake, this should bring back fond memories of pushing token after token into a shrieking arcade cabinet at a dumpy Chuck E. Cheese or a tricked-out bowling alley. Even though these are new games, they're still likely to trigger that wonderful nostalgia (or seizures, if you've got one of those epilepsy problems the instruction manuals always mention). You see, Metal Slug is produced by SNK, the company that makes probably the only good arcade games still left. So if there's one thing they know how to do, it's how to make a good arcade game. They are also equally adept at the sometimes-tricky task of bringing their games to home consoles. This time they've decided to be extra-super nice and release two of their swell games in one set. Sweet!

When do we get our guns?

   The story of Metal Slug 4 is something about a computer virus manipulating the worlds military systems. That of Metal Slug 5 starts with the invasion of ancient ruins to recover a disk of blueprints... I think. Seriously, none of this crap matters. Really, you wonder why they even bother putting it in, because once the guns start blazing, a detailed narrative is the last thing you're thinking about. [Actually, the British television sci-fi classic, the Dr. Who show is probably the last thing you're thinking about. But a detailed narrative is a close second. - ed.]

   The closest comparison one could make about the gameplay of the Metal Slug series is Mega Man on crack. Or, perhaps, Gradius, except instead of a little spaceship, you're a little soldier. And instead of aliens, you shoot Nazis. But sometimes you shoot aliens. Each level begins with your tiny Rambo dropped right into the thick of things, with only a pistol that doesn't run out of ammo, a knife, and a handful of grenades. Don't worry, though, you'll make your enemies fear that tiny pistol like it was a howitzer pointed at their jimmies. [Fear my tiny pistol, fiend! Fear my tiny pistol! - ed.] From your starting point you charge forward (which is usually to the right) blasting every unfortunate who happens to stumble into your path. The graphics are decidedly 2-D, but the overall detail that went into all the sprites and their various animations is sure to win over even the most skeptical 3D gamer. Accompanying the attractive visuals is a pounding soundtrack that helps to really kick-up the action.

Spilling your guts

Destroying everything in sight in new, exciting ways!

   While much of this is pretty typical arcade shooter fare, Metal Slug does have a host of its own gimmicks, not least among which is the actual Metal Slug itself. The Metal Slug is a kind of super-maneuverable tank that can leap about almost as easily as your human character. Along with its standard tank cannon, it also has a mounted machine gun that can be swiveled to rapidly obliterate pretty much everything on the screen (although, regrettably, not your hateful supervisor, who resides frustratingly outside of your television). Also, you've got more than just your standard slug. There's also a submarine slug, a plane slug, an ostrich slug, some kind of weird wall-crawling slug, and many more. In short, if you name it, it will slug. Yeah.

   Some of the slugs also enable you to take alternate paths through the levels, which adds a bit of replayability to the games. For instance, you could continue running along, using your own feet like a sucker, or you could jump inside the submarine slug and have tons of laughter-filled adventures under the sea. ["Laughter" is defined as a synonym of "Carnage" in Encyclopedia Insanica. Just in case you were wondering. - ed.]

Weenies need not apply.

   For those accustomed to the significantly slower pace of today's platform games, the franticness of a Metal Slug can come as a bit of a shock. This is twitch gameplay at its finest, so if yous don'ts gots the twitch, yous be in the ditch. Usually after being shot twelve times in the face and backed over by a tank driven by a yeti. Even for experienced gamers, the way these games brutally and repeatedly slaughter you can sometimes feel cheap. That's probably because it is.

   You see, these are arcade games, my friends, and arcade games only make money for the arcade if you continue to pop your greasy quarters into them. And you only pop in more quarters when you get killed. Thus, it's really in the company's best interest to make games as obscenity-yelling-ly difficult as possible, even to the point of creating scenarios not actually survivable by mere mortals. Yeah, I'm sure one could theoretically dodge all those bombs and machinegun bullets while simultaneously leaping out of the way of the buzz saw blade on the ground and shooting the boss robot in the face enough times so he doesn't utilize his mouth laser that clears the screen. But then this is precisely the same theoretical universe in which all celebrity marriages last a lifetime. If you're an absolute addict who eats, sleeps, and breathes Metal Slug, or if you're one of those crazy Japanese gamers who actually has electricity instead of blood in your veins, maybe you could clear this game without losing a life. For the rest of you, expect to die. Frequently. Thank God for infinite continues!

Two dudes hucking stick-grenades are better than one.

   These games are really best when played with somebody else, preferably somebody of approximately the same skill level so you neither get left in the dust while your friends scampers ahead, playfully claiming all the power-ups, nor forced to baby-sit someone who dodges bullets about as well as a fat guy stuck in wet tar. Or a topless chick doing jumping jacks. That's always good too. [Have I mentioned yet that we invented The Man Show in that same way Al Gore invented the Internet? Well, we did. - ed.] Blasting away at everything in sight with a friend is a pretty great experience, as the goofy art style of the game definitely lends itself to a laughing, joking atmosphere. And we here at GameLemon like to joke. A lot. Because we can. Anyway, the only slight detrement of having a second man is that the added chaos does tend to get one killed much more frequently due to simple confusion. Boy am I thankful for those infinite continues.

   The only other issue with these games is that, like much of the wonderful things in life, they're simply over much too fast. Since they were designed to be played in the arcade, it likely won't take you more than an hour to play through each game, which is probably why they decided to package two of them together. Sure, you can always play through them again to see the different paths, try to rescue more prisoners, or get a better score, but the main campaigns are pretty much one-sitting deals. [Once you are done, one final bit of fun can be had by trying to force-feed quarters into your console. - ed.]

   While this type of zaniness may not appeal to everybody, those with a hankering for an ol' skool, shoot-first-and-eat-melons-later kind of arcade game these two bad boys will definitely fit the bill quite nicely. Just make sure to bring your salt... For the slugs... Y'know, Metal Slugs... Ok, ok, I'm sorry, I'll stop...

       ... Mike Zeller