On the mound, holding down the A button will launch a fast ball. If you manage to release the button at just the right moment, you'll torpedo a speedball straight down the plate. Visually, all pitches look alike (except for star pitches, which I'll get to in a moment) so throwing a slowball by tapping the A button is a good way to switch things up and keep your friends on their toes. Similarly, the batter can charge his wind up for a more powerful swing - however, this is considerably more difficult than timing the pitch. The harder the swing the less room for error. Even when a player connects, it is likely that the ball will pop up or rocket straight foul. This system keeps scores reasonably traditional, and creates the narrow probability that preserves drama and excitement akin to a home run or grand slam (complete with a little dance by the batter).

Nonsense, darling, you are not seeing things! You are just so very special!

   Yes, yes, what would the pitcher-batter game be without special moves?

   Borrowing a page from the book of Mario Power Tennis, you can collect stars to power up your characters' swings and pitches. For about 3/4 of the characters, this just makes their pitches faster and their swings harder, but the more popular characters (like DK and Wario) add their own particular touch. Mario's super swing will turn your ordinary baseball into a flaming wad of death to scald whoever is unfortunate enough to touch it, and Bowser's pitch turns into a Bullet Bill, maneuvering wildly to psyche out the batter. What's more, each character has specific and unique talents to make them stand out. Not just specialties in batting or fielding, but skills like running up walls to stop a would-be homerun or catching a nearby ball with their extra-long tongue (I'm looking at you, Waluigi). [I still like the flaming wad of death better, though. There is really hardly anything cooler than a flaming wad of death. - ed.]

   You can also unlock stars for your characters by accomplishing tasks set for each player, such as "hit a homerun," "pitch a no-hitter," or "hit a grandslam with your eyes closed and humming the national anthem." Obviously, some are much harder than others, but the stars you unlock this way allow that character to play a better game overall (which can be toggled as you please in multi-player mode). You may find yourself playing over and over, flushing away the precious seconds of your life collecting imaginary stars, but hey, you get you fifty bucks worth.

   As can be expected, you can unlock characters and stages by beating various difficulties or with different characters. Even character chemistry comes into play. Choosing players should not only depend on their specialties, but their relationship with the rest of the team. Picking a team that gets along better will start you off with more stars to power up your team, and your character may bat or run or throw better to one of his cohorts is on the field. I.E, Toad may swing a little harder knowing that Princess Peach is leading the way at first. On the other hand, Mario might throw the ball slower than usual with a rival like Wario is posted at third. Positioning of your team can be another vital point in strategy.

   The only place the game really whiffs is with some of the AI control and camera angles. When fielding, it is often unapparent which character you are controlling, which can really stub your toe in terms of getting to the ball in time. Although getting used to this can be frustrating, it's not a huge problem. Try to keep your cool and count to 10 if you find yourself blowing a game or two because Toad decided to take off into the outfield rather than snagging the ball.

The (Multi) Nitty Gritty

   As with most of Nintendo's multiplayer games, there are a number of game modes. As always, there is a mode that enables you to take out underlying rage for your friend who has been flirting with your girlfriend behind your back (some prefer to call this the "Vs. Mode"). Generally, you can only have a one-on-one match with a friend or a computer of varying difficulty. However, there are a few interesting deviations (in the form of mini-games) built in for some four player action. For the most part, these mini-games seem to hold up pretty well. To me, the most notable and entertaining of all was probably "Toy Field", where four players take turns pitching, batting, and fielding to try and earn the most loot. It may seem repetetive at a glance, but has surprising replay value.

   The true cherry on top is the variation in playing fields, each of which has a particular twist designed to add a bit of randomness and feed into the bizarre spirit of the game. Who knows what sort of variables could cause the ball to go astray, creating confusion during a play. [Don't expect any hookers suddenly walking by or anything, though. This is a Nintendo game, kids. NIN-TEN-DO. - ed.]

And the score, at the bottom of the 9th...

   The game (just in case you've skipped to the last paragraph because of your ADD) is an overall delight. Perfect entertainment for two players or one, and can be decent for three or four in a pinch. The huge cast is terrific, and I'm sure fellow Nintendo devotees will agree. Selecting your team can be a delight in itself, taking into account batting order, character balance, and deciding which ones make the funniest noises. While you may have to take shifts between your four friends who were planning on a gaming party, the excellent gameplay and general tension that the game can produce is worth the patience.

       ... Mr. Onion