I know that throughout our incredibly glorious lives, we've all sat and thought to ourselves as we reached for more Mountain Dew at 4am, "MAN, wouldn't it be so great if life were more like video games?".

   The two part answer is of course, hypothetically: "duh", and realistically: oh dear god no.

   While it would be nice to be able to pimp slap my hos and murder my rival gang members for once without reprisal (my lawyer fees are SERIOUSLY starting to add up), I certainly wouldn't know what to do with a huge cutesy dinosaur thing that eats everything in sight and craps out gigantic eggs. I'd also personally get a bit sick of saving the SAME princesses over and over again. A note to Mario and Link: you guys really need to try Match.com or something. You're seriously pussy whipped and those bitches are eventually going to get you actually killed. If you insist on staying with them, build a bomb shelter or something. Keep them underground, surrounded by barbed wire and remote controlled automatic weapons. The "I don't keep my woman in an underground cage"-ers may call it cruelty to animals or kidnapping or some crap like that. All you gots to call it is piece of mind, homies. Now gett-a back-a to cleaning-a my a-sewers you freaking stereotype. (That was meant for your long-jumping stretch of a brother, Mario. You're still the man in my book.)

   [I know what you are wondering, and yes, Chuck is available to custom compose a lovely birthday card for your mother-in-law. Just hook him up with some prescription drugs and he is all yours. - ed.]

   Anyway, if life WERE more like video games, then I deserve a medal and a large referral fee from the Colorado chapter of the US Association of Chiropractors and Morticians. Because over the years, I've seriously maimed (and more than likely killed) every single character that has ever strapped on their snowboard on the SSX Circuit. I've been playing the SSX games from EA Big ever since 2001's SSX TRICKY (with its bad ass RUN-DMC score), so no way am I saying I'm not good at these games. I'm great. I can freaking shred and grind rails better than any 28 year old I know (I actually don't know many others). But I have also rendered what were once healthy, athletic, panda bear-headed bodies into Jell-O pudding by foolhardily attempting to complete just one more UBER-Trick in my mad, to the extreme combos. For this, I apologize to all the lives I have ruined. But this is the fun of these games. The SSX franchise is about fun, fun, speed, more fun, and sweet hip-hop beats. In that order. So how does the latest shred and death fest, SSX:ON TOUR stack up on the mountain of fun? Strap on your board and buy some of Bode Miller's "Magic Cake". We're joining the tour.

A foot of powder or an inch of the fake stuff?

   There are a lot of differences between this version of SSX and those past, both for better and worse. First off, the menu screens have been totally revamped and are super cool. All the menus are supposedly part of your boarder's "notebook", which is full of crazy pencil doodlings of people skiing, horses playing guitar, and scary three-armed ogres. I told you you'd need magic cake for this. But the menus totally fit the SSX vibe, and most importantly, they're really fun. They look like a 17 year old on LSD designed them, and I mean that in the very best way possible. They're cooler than you.

   The basic premise of the game is simple. You are a brand-spanking new rookie on the SSX circuit, and you have to work your way up in the rankings by competing in events and trying your hand (or board) at different challenges. You can also buy new attributes, UBER-tricks, and better accessories with the money you get from winning events, and from finding cash on the slopes [where it, of course, grows naturally. Thank you, hallucigens! - ed.] The events are actually pretty easy to win once you get the hang of things, but some of the challenges can be a little, uh......challenging. Difficulty obviously increases as you progress, but experienced gamers such as yourselves should be through the first couple of rankings in no time. If you're not, let me know and I'll punch you in the balls. It won't make you play any better, but at least you'll feel appropriately sorry for yourself. Morons. [Chuck means that in the best way possible. Really. We THINK. - ed.]

   As far as gameplay goes, I think EA Big was going for a bit more realism this time around, which is both cool and not cool. In ON TOUR the characters move a bit more slowly once in the air, which took a little getting used to and caused more than its share of unnecessary spinal injuries. But a little realism can be ok, kids. Or at least, the illusion of semi-realism (isn't that a Pink Floyd album?). Because (make no mistake!) this game is still unbelievably fast, and luckily, the controls remain super tight. You never feel more out of control than you should as you're blistering down the mountain at what feels like 8,000 miles per hour. If you get seriously speedy the edges of the screen even go a little blurry. Sweet.

   Of course you can still pull off crazily unrealistic tricks (otherwise known as UBER-Tricks) that would make Superman say, "Jesus Christ, I suck". [Does Superman believe in Jesus? Hmm... Anyone? - ed.] The UBER-Tricks have always been what made these games insanely fun to play, and they don't disappoint here. Fill up the trick meter at the bottom of the screen by completing your normal repertoire of moves. Once it turns yellow, grab some serious air and UBER it up. You still use the left and right triggers to do board grabs in the air, and the X button is still there to help you tweak your tricks for extra points. EA has remapped the UBER controls to the right thumbstick this time around, which actually makes it even easier to pull off the "backside 180 to riding my board like a mule to using my board as a helicopter above my head" trick. Which, oddly enough only got me, like 20,000 points. Cheap EA bastards.

   The one major improvement of the game is the addition of skiing to the SSX world. This is just as fun as it sounds. It could even be more fun than it sounds depending on just how fun you think it sounds. Got it? (Only your brain will know for sure). The skiing mechanics work really well, and the skiing UBER tricks rock. Have you ever dreamt about jumping off a huge ski ramp, taking one of your skis off, wrapping it around your neck and putting back on your foot, all while doing a 780 twist? (Only 15765 points?!?! COME ON!!!) Anyone who answered "no" is lying. [In the snow, with a couple of broken vertebrae, most likely. Because they were dumb enough to try it in real life - ed.] The skiing component adds just enough new gameplay elements to keep even SSX veterans interested.

Ice, ice. Baby.

   Lest you get too overexcited, I do have a little cold shower prepared for you. The game setup was definitely better in the previous version of the game. The idea that you were trying to work your way up to the top of 3 separate peaks on the same mountain was great and really kept you working hard and full of Mountain Dew. You were always striving to get to that next peak just to see what the courses would be like. This is replaced by a more traditional system of gaining skill points and rankings on the SSX circuit in ON TOUR, which is still a fun concept, but it does get a little repetitive. Unlike in SSX 3, the course selection screen doesn't change all that much. The courses and challenges get harder as you move along, but you never really "go anywhere" (sort of like the increasingly melancholy journey of life). It's a small criticism, and nearly the only instance in which ON TOUR is inferior to SSX 3, but it still could have been better.

   [...and now Chuck's medication begins to wear off... - ed.]

   Oh, and where the $%&*@&$ is my RUN-DMC?!?! I know the "It's Tricky" song wasn't in the last game, either, but I was praying to Snoop that it would be resurrected for ON TOUR. I learned two things from this: never put your hopes in a corporate gaming company, and Snoop Dogg doesn't answer prayers that don't involve "the chronic" (I hear he and Bode Miller are VERY close). But seriously, this song should be in every version of this game. RUN-DMC just makes everything more fun. (You should have seen my RUN-DMC themed colonoscopy. It was da shit!). My tricks aren't as good without it and my characters aren't as funky if they don't have "It's Tricky" to grind to. Fix it. Maybe make the next one where it's all early-80's rap on the soundtrack. Or just set all of SSX 5 to Vanilla Ice's 1991 magnum opus, "To The Extreme". That would be too cold (too cold).

Back at the Lodge

   As extreme sports games go, this is an incredibly fun game. If you've never picked up any of the SSX games, this is a great one to start with. The graphics are sweet, the gameplay is fun and easy, and the moves are truly sick. And if you're an SSX champion with the missing limbs and blood transfusions to prove it, there are definitely enough new elements here to come [or, more likely, stagger, crawl, or claw - ed.] back to the slopes. Just don't actually try any of this at home, kids. Life, as anyone who lives in New York and has tried to steal a car will tell you, ain't no video game. But if anybody could tell me what to do with the freaking Yoshi in my apartment, I'd really appreciate it.

       ... Chuck

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