Ok, so what's cooler than being James Bond? In my book, the short answer is "absolutely nothing". The long answer is, well, much longer, and includes a historical socio-economic breakdown of my master thesis, "Martinis: Shaken AND Stirred?". Trust me, it's deep. But both answers arrive at the same forgone conclusion.

   Being James Bond is unbelievably cool.

   So naturally I was excited when I was finally able to pick up my copy of the next game that would let me BE James Bond, EA's "James Bond: From Russia With Love". My excitement stemmed from two factors. First, EA's previous game based on the 007 franchise, "Everything or Nothing", was so realistic it actually made my Xbox controller taste like vermouth (don't ask why I was licking it). [Seriously, don't. We did, and we are sorry - ed.] It was by far the best Bond game since "Goldeneye" on the N64. It was truly like playing a film, from the crystal clear graphics, to the first class voice talent, all the way through to having Shannon Elizabeth and freaking Heidi Klum play the Bond girls. Awesome. The controls were so super smooth, the missions so well thought-out, and that dry Bond wit was so perfectly integrated into every aspect of the game. For instance, there was a stealth mission where you had to sneak into a building through a window, only to find a gorgeous woman laying on a massage table. As you sneaked past her towards your destination, the A button icon popped up and said, "Massage?". Don't mind if I do. And that's EXACTLY what James would have done. All in all, it was a fully immersive James Bond experience.

   The second reason I couldn't wait to play "From Russia With Love" is that in my opinion, it is the best Bond film that Sean Connery made. I know, "Dr. No" is great, "Goldfinger" set the Bond standard, but for me, "From Russia With Love" really nailed all aspects of the Cold War espionage thriller. First of all, Robert Shaw is unbelievably terrifying as Bond's nemesis, the Bond girl has that 60's mod-hot thing going on, and there's a gypsy fight. Come on, any film with a gypsy fight is automatically great. [Gypsy Fighters vs. Breast Monsters from Jupiter is my personal favorite - ed.] You add in James Bond and you've got a masterpiece.

   For those of you keeping score, that's gypsy fight + James Bond + 3x = kick ass film, where the variable 3x is either 3(villains) or 3(degree of Russian blonde girl hotness). You do the math.

When Bondian Mathematics go wrong

   Unfortunately, just as in temporal physics or THE LOVE BOAT, even a slight alteration to the equation makes everything go horribly amiss.

   That is to say, (gypsy fight + James Bond + 3x) * (poor execution) = crappy video game

   How did this happen? First, even the opening looks cheap. It has absolutely none of the slickness or polish of either a real James Bond film, or the game's predecessor, "Everything or Nothing". Ok, I'm sure the game still plays well. Next, I get to the menu screen. Uh-oh. I can't just use my left analog stick to scroll through the menus. I have to ALWAYS use the D-pad. That's annoying. Oh well, I can overlook it. Let's start the game. Third. What the balls?? Why isn't James Bond moving where I want him to? Why is he always kind of veering to the right? Why do I feel like I have no control over him?

   To wit: Why have I been playing this game for five minutes and it already sucks?

   The control system is very annoying. You really have to maneuver your virtual Bond in odd ways to get him to go exactly where you want him to go. I recalibrated my controller a couple of times just to make sure it wasn't my Xbox that was making James do little half-circles every time I wanted him to go somewhere. Maybe that's just how people moved in the 60's. In any event, it was pretty aggravating.

   Most glaringly, and by far the biggest disappointment, is that not once do you ever feel like you're playing a JAMES BOND game. Sure, you get to control a jetpack. Cool idea [famous last words! - ed.] But you don't get to do anything actually fun with it. You just fly around, killing SPECTRE henchmen. Something like a timed level or some interesting maneuvering with the jetpack would have at least added some fun and variety. It's a JETPACK, for crap's sake. Do something with it.

   The levels themselves are unbelievably mundane. They could have easily been taken out of any other crappy third-person action game. The gameplay experience literally boils down to "walk through the level, kill whoever gets in your way, solve this very easy problem". That's called MY LIFE, ok? If you make a James Bond game, you better make the levels a bit more fun and complex than that. At the very least let me play some Baccarat. Throw in a pretty confusing and lame power-up/RPG element between levels and you've got absolute pure suckage.

I'd like a Martini. Shaken, not straight from the GRAVE.

   Something else you quickly discover as you venture through RUSSIA without love is that the voice acting is, to employ our official game reviewing terminology, pretty lame. And this truly is a tragedy. EA had the main man himself, Sean Connery, come in and record the voice for his polygonal clone in "From Russia With Love". The only problem is that, although I'm sure he still has no trouble getting his "D'arby O' Gill" going, Sean Connery is now 857 years old. And he sounds a bit like he was on the two-bottles-of-Glenfiddich-a-day diet for the last 856. More simply stated, his vocal stylings are a bit gruff, and they most certainly don't fit the mid-30's Connery that you're attempting to guide through the game. You become a bit frightened that James may in fact have an emphysemic fit and die of natural causes. It's kind of weird.

   The one positive thing I can say is that EA definitely got the look and style of the era right. The clothes, locations, cars, everything looks like it was plucked right out of 1962. But I'm pretty sure that was the easy part. I mean they were just copying a movie, right? I used to trace things out of comic books, but I never deluded myself into thinking I could actually draw Wolverine. I sure can draw one bad-ass stick figure with a claw, though. Don't mess with Stickie. Or ClawStick. I haven't decided yet. But I did copyright it you plagiaristic bastards.

1-800-HURT-A-FRIEND

   There's also a multiplayer option and it's actually not bad. There are a number of games to choose from (Capture The Flag, Bomb your Opponent, etc.) but straight up kill or be killed is your best bet here. Customize all the regular game options like weapons and time and watch with glee as your Robert Shaw puts the Radioactive Gun beatdown on your friend's Russian Guard #2. You can also play with classic Bond characters you've unlocked during the Story Mode of the game (Pussy Galore, Dr. No, Goldfinger, etc.), which is nice. But once again, the concept isn't fully realized. Does EA know about a little thing called Xbox Live? Or as I like to call it, The Teenager Smackdown and Money-Sucking Device? Are they aware that most of the time I either a) don't have any friends and prefer to wail on strangers or b) have friends, but don't like them enough to actually be in the same room with them? Their lack of consumer understanding disturbs me. [Upon further investigation it has become apparent that the Xbox Live integration budget was spent on Sean Connery's Glennfiddich - ed.]

The Sum of All Fears

   Let me be subtle. This game blows and my disappointment with it is limitless. Just skip it and play "Everything or Nothing" again. But invite a gypsy over to play it with you. Trust me, it will blow your mind. And for the right price, something else too.

       ... Chuck

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