The internet of the future is (surprise!) completely overrun by viruses, most of whom closely resemble the cute little notebook doodles of that slightly weird girl we all knew in Jr. High. Unlike the viruses of today, the viruses of Battle Network don't try to steal your credit card number, spy on your personal habits, or bombard you with ads for how to make your penis bigger. Instead, they just try to beat the tar out of you. To be honest, I think I prefer them. [Me too. All this internet penis puppetry has really been getting to me lately! - ed.] The battle arena where you face the little buggers is made up of eighteen squares laid out in columns of three, nine blue ones that are Mega Man's movement area and nine red ones that are the viruses'. By tapping a directional button you can have Mega Man instantaneously jump to one of the other blue squares to dodge a virus's attack or to line up one of his own. Mega Man's renowned Mega-buster returns in this series, but it does a much better job tickling the viruses than killing them. The real pain-makers come in the form of battle chips. There are hundreds of chips and one of the objects of the game is to collect as many as possible, a la Pokemon. Each of the chips performs a different action, from firing off a cannon to healing Mega Man's wounds, swinging a sword, scratching a limb, or summoning one of the defeated bosses for a particularly potent attack. At the start of each battle (and each time the battle gauge fills; think Final Fantasy's ATB gauge) a menu pops up with a list of several battle chips chosen randomly from your folder of possible chips. You are allowed to select one (or a few depending on some rules which I frankly don't feel like getting into right now, so there!) and use it to rain destruction down on your foes like a mighty god of violence.

Faces come out of the range when you're a little blue computerized dude in tights.

   But this is likely old-hat to anyone reading this review [holy crap, do people actually read these things?! - ed.]. What the screaming masses really want to know is what sets this Battle Network apart from all the others. One word: there-are-a-bunch-more-playable-characters -that-you-can-use. Yes, for the first time in the history of Battle Network you actually get to play as different Navis. Depending on which version of the game you play you'll get a different team of Navis, each of whom will utilize the same chip folder as Mega Man, but operate very differently. The tough-guy Tomahawk Man likes to get right up close to slash away at foes, while the lanky Numberman does better keeping back and hurling explosives or laying traps. There's not much difference between either Team Colonel or Team Proto Man gameplay wise, as both teams' characters correspond functionally, but when one game has Shadow Man, Knight Man, and X4 fan-favorite Colonel, while the other has Gyro Man, I think we all know which is the more intriguing prospect. [Umm, I'd like to phone a friend, please! - ed.]

   The reason for the use of teams is due to the fact that (in probably the biggest change to the series thus far) some lengthy turn-based strategy sections have been introduced. Periodically throughout the game, your team will be called upon to retake a part of the Net that has been occupied by enemies. To do this, your characters must battle their way across panels infected by viruses, closing up questionably named Dark Holes along the way, until they reach the boss on the other side and give him a good spanking. While those familiar with Battle Network gameplay may question how this can work, it quickly becomes a fun and exciting diversion from normal dungeon-crawling. Sure, the strategy sections are fairly simplistic (characters always act in a certain order and their only options are to attack or to use their one special move), but trying to figure out the quickest way to finish the battle to earn a swell prize takes some real noodle working. Umm, no, not THAT noodle. I meant your brain, sicko.

More consistency than an elderly person's bowels.

   There have been a handful of other minor tweaks since the series has now made the jump to the DS. The touch screen functions as an actual PET, and using the stylus significantly streamlines the games menus. Being able to glance quickly at a map without interrupting gameplay is definitely a plus, as getting lost amid dozens of similar looking paths has been a problem that's plagued the series since the beginning. You can also use the DS's microphone to cheer Mega Man on during battle to give him slight bonuses, but if you're older than eight, doing this around anyone else will likely get you wedgied beyond belief. Finally, you can connect wirelessly and have tournaments of up to eight Battle Network-loving friends, which probably amounts to the entire U.S. Battle Network fanbase. [The last US census places this number closer to 6 - ed.]

   Other than those additions, though, this is pretty much the same Battle Network from the early days of the Gameboy Advance. The music is perky but unremarkable. The graphics are those from the first Battle Network, albeit with the slight changes that were made in BN4. The story is still the same forgettable schlock about the power of friendship overcoming all adversity. And Mega Man still has that stupid mullet. Why, Capcom? Why? All in all, it's a step in the right direction after the crap-tastic Battle Network 4, but the series still feels like it needs a bit of reinventing. If you're a fan of the series and you own a DS but haven't picked up either GBA version of MMBN5, this is the one to get. But if you already own either Team Colonel or Team Protoman, or just don't like Battle Network games, there's nothing here that really screams out for your blood money. Hopefully, though, Capcom will really take advantage of the DS hardware for Battle Network 6 and we'll get something that makes us all proud to be playing games about little kids and their collectible trinkets. God willing...

       ... Mike Zeller