Yes, yes, ENOUGH with the valiant heroes already! Can we for once abandon the pursuit of the humdrum ideal and appreciate the bitter, the sarcastic, the interminably geeky, dysfunctional and paranoid? Do we dare laugh cynically at the high ideals of love and honor, CAN we, indeed, do absolutely NOTHING in the name of bravery, decency and camaraderie? (Though this seems like a good place to stop, I clearly have many deep-seeded issues that are long overdue for an embarrassing public release - and so we plow on.) Can we allow ourselves to think only of our wallets and guilty pleasures while the world trembles with injustice at our feet? Can we sit idly by while tragedy strikes all around? Can we suffer to not move a finger to help a stranger in need unless we smell the possibility of embezzling his last gold coin or laying a greedy hand on his young daughter's wholesome buttock?!! (Ah, that should do it!)

   Why, yes, we finally can. Welcome to Bard's Tale.

Setting matters straight

   I'll be brutally honest with you - Bard's Tale isn't a game for everyone. To truly enjoy it you must meet at least one of the following pre-requisites:

   1) You know what "The Princess Bride" is (book or movie) and can explain with great, even if somewhat dated, enthusiasm why it's a cult classic.

   2) You've enjoyed "Monty Python" - not the video game - at one time or another. ("Black Adder" may be substituted.)

   3) You've read and gotten a kick out of Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams. The City Watch trilogy by Terry Pratchet will score you points as well.

   4) You are a fan of at least one of Mel Brook's parodic movies and pride yourself on understanding some of the more minute references.

   5) Although you've been locked away in a box and somehow managed to miss the above staples of a good upbringing, you have, at the very least, been referred to as a sarcastic brat at least twice in your life.

   If you still haven't racked up any points, please exit the building - this game isn't for you. Seriously. It's nothing personal. You just won't like it, that's all. I am on your side here - try something else. Ok? Thank you. And the name is still Jane.

Huddling in the corner

Coin and Cleavage...

   ...is the motto of this game, and rightly so, though there is really much more. Here is how it goes. It all starts innocuously enough: you walk into an inn, immediately spot the rack on the chick behind the bar, let out a drool, and the next thing you know you are in the basement, tending to rodents. The story of your life, really. This time, however, it goes a little differently. You step on one helpless mouse, get attacked by a hideous mutant rat, run back up screaming for mommy, get laughed at, condescendingly given some magic, then sent back to the basement whereupon you proceed to kill the hideous mutant rat, march back upstairs, make a few snotty remarks to the voluptuous barkeeper and get her in the sack. And then... End of Chapter 1, ladies and gentlemen. But isn't that a little short for a Chapter, you ask? Yes, but who cares! - you got the girl!!!

   At this point you should be starting to wonder if you have finally stumbled into the game of your dreams...

I dream of Bard's Tale?

   The answer depends on what gets your sheets wet at night - pardon the gruesome analogy. Getting down to it, Bard's Tale sole purpose is to mock, parody, and otherwise massacre the staples of the traditional heroic RPG - the title silly heroics, the high goals, the stupid storylines, the ridiculous dialog and the outrageous fact that you never really score with any hot chicks in any manner that is even remotely satisfying. The main tool that Bard's Tale employs to do this is it's immaculate script and superb voice acting. The verbal abuse (read: the fun) happens on multiple levels - the Bard talks shit to the characters, the Narrator talks shit to the Bard, and most monster types talk shit at anything that has ears. The really good part of this is that for once, no one feels artificially dumbed down - the snappy comebacks go both ways, which is oddly satisfying. In a way, and in contrast to the traditional RPGs it parodies, the player attachment created in Bard's Tale is not as much to your character as it is simply to a fun, clever and boisterous script. And - ta-da! - everyone talks with an Irish accent.

   There are many parodic elements embedded in the gameplay itself as well. From little things like cow-tipping to more direct parodies of the RPG (which usually involve Bard laughing out loud at suggestions of various missions of empty heroics), these ridicules do quite a good job of pointing out the dozens of long-accepted, but really ridiculous things that plague modern-day game design. Why can't we bloody come up with a better storyline than saving some damsel in distress? Is "you look ugly, therefore you must be bad, therefore I must kill you" really the best motivation we can come up with for our character's actions? Does "go there and fetch me this" really qualify as a plot-driven mission?! How the F*CK is it sufficient to tell me to just go and look for a guy named Bob in a town of thousands (and how is it that I invariably find him on the first corner!) ?!! Sounds like something you'd like to hear a snotty comment on? Read on then.

Snarky and Nice

   One specific game mechanic that's worth a special look is the much-hyped Snarky and Nice conversation technique. In a freaky flashback to the Sims, the Bard makes his conversation choices not by picking from a list of possible things to say, but by selecting the general mood in which he would like his response to be worded - Snarky or Nice. The effects of this are actually different depending on the situation and the character you are talking to, and can impact the gameplay (or your ego) fairly significantly. Perhaps more importantly, the technique results in dialog that is not only sharper and funnier, but also more fluid and consistent than the classic conversation tree approach. It's also good for venting random fits of anger, expanding your collection of death threats and pretending to have balls you wish you had in conversations with your wife.

"Oh it's such bad luck to be you..."

   No, we are not still referring to your talks with your wife. We've moved on, friend, we are grazing pastures greener, listening to sounds sweeter... We are talking about the wonderful, sweet-sounding, pasture-stomping song-and-dance shows that the endearing (more often than not rude and snotty, but still endearing) characters of Bard's Tale put on occasionally for your adventuring pleasure. Allow me to elaborate with an example. After doing a little head bashing with the local monster reps, you come out onto a meadow to witness a young, undoubtedly silly man proclaiming something or other about him being "The One" to a particularly foul-looking creature with a rusty cleaver. The particularly foul-looking beast rudely interrupts the unfortunate youth by shooting him in the face with an arrow at nearly point blank range, after which it departs into the woods. As you approach to observe the gruesome details of this plastic surgery gone horribly wrong, six or seven would-elf-like creatures jump out of the bushes, surround the body, and sing: "Oh it's such bad luck to be you... the prophecy ain't never coming true..." followed by six more verses of terrific songwriting. As they sing, they also put on a touching little dance number; meanwhile the words are conveniently scrolled across the bottom of the screen should you care to add your own soprano into the mix. Now as distraught as you are, of course, with the fate of the poor young man lying in a pool of blood at your feet, you can't help but giggle with shameless glee at this gut-wrenchingly subtle form of gaming commentary. You also can't help but notice that the words are funny, the music is superb and the vocals are terrific. This is a very nice addition to the game, you say to yourself. You make a mental note to skip tonight's installment of American Idol in favor of playing on in hopes of seeing the little wood-elves again a few hours down the road. (Curtain).

Gameplay

   But, lord game-reviewing-master, you say, what of the gameplay? Is it not at the heart of any game worth it's salt? Sure, sure. Right at the heart it is. And oft we do pray for the Heart of Gold in our gaming dreams... Unfortunately, Bard's Tale has a just a slight touch of rot in it's otherwise pretty shiny and certainly metallic looking little heart: basically, the general gameplay (e.g. the stuff that occupies most of your time) is fairly plain. It's fun enough - certainly as good as say, Baldur's Gate, and quite similar to it at that; there are even a few nice attempts of innovation such as the summon based magic system. But overall, this part of the package lacks any distinctive polish that typically makes truly exceptional games stand out from the rest of the pack. You run around and kill stuff much in the same way as you do in a typical RPG that Bards Tale strives to parody. There IS some flexibility in a particular style of brain smashing that you can adopt - based on how you use your summon abilities, you can implement the true and tried formulas of tank and healer, hunter and pet, ranged unit and defender, etc. But it can still get a little dull after a while, especially once you thoroughly experience what it means to stick big bushy line-of-sight-blocking trees into a fixed viewing angle isometric graphics engine. People beating the crap out of you while you can't see anything, that's what. Who the hell said that that stinking Baldur's Gate graphics engine is such a marvel anyway? It might be great for developers, but as far as presentation is concerned, even back when it first came out it was really a rather scrappy looking piece of crap if you ask me. And now it's not only scrappy looking, but also quite dated. Still, this isn't a game you play for looks, so no reason to diss it too much for a little dirt on it's face. Shit happens. End Gameplay section.

So what's this puppy worth?

   The net worth of Bard's Tale is rather easy to assess - simply ask yourself what's it worth to you to play a game that is comedically excellent, but otherwise fairly standard RPG fare. If you are like me, the premise of great humor and solid parody in video games is desirable and rare enough that taking at least a brief look at Bard's Tale is a no brainer. For me the game delivered quite a few solid hours of fun and many moments of laugh-out-loud amusement. If you've read to this point, chances are that Bard's Tale will strike a pleasant note for you as well - pleasant enough to start out with a rental, at least. If Bard's Tale 2 ever happens, there is definitely potential for an emergence of new top-notch comedic game series that can stand proudly alongside classics of the genre, such as Maniac Mansion and Monkey Island. Toodaloo.

       ... Vaga