Issue 5: Triple Dog Suck

   Hey Suckers. I know. I know. It's been a while between SL columns, but I have a really good excuse: Okami turned out to be a much longer game than I thought. Not that I was planning on writing about it. There's not much suckage to Okami...except that it sucks not to play it. (Seriously, how many 8 headed beasts of ultimate evil do I have to beat before this game ends? Hopefully a lot!)

   Now, contrite though I may be, don't expect my next column to be on time. For you see, I consider TBS Day Long Christmas Story marathon to be a personal challenge. I don't know why Ted Turner's lil ole broadcasting system chose me and me alone to punk out with its 24 Hours of A Christmas Story. But I say, "It's on TBS. Oh. It is on!"

   Last year, I made it to the 23rd hour before I balked. For some reason, after my 15th bourbon-spiked soy nog and the 23rd time I watched Flick get his tongue stuck on the flagpole, I remembered that Flick made a porn.* Flick in a skin flick?! It was too much for my nog-addled brain to take.

   But this year will be different. This year I plan to limit my drinking to 4 glasses of bourbon-spiked Tofurkey gravy and one pitcher of sangria. This year, I'll be older and wiser. Sure, I know that Flick made porn, a fact I can't just unknow. But I also know one more little thing...Screech made a porn, too. A porn where he performs a sex act known as "The Dirty Sanchez." (It's gross.) Now I never watched Saved by the Bell. I did, however, buy Dustin Diamond Teaches Chess from the bargain bin at Blockbuster because I thought it would be a good idea to learn chess from a creepy dude who makes scat films that no one wants to see.

   I don't know. Maybe it's the scat. Maybe it's that no one wants to see it. But the Screech skin flick trumps the Flick skin flick-even in the 23rd hour. Hey! Maybe it was Flick who put him up to it. Maybe Scott Schwartz turned 35, put on a sweater vest and realized that he'd be a cinch to land the role as Jamie Lynn Spears' dad in her next failed Nickelodeon tweensploitation series...if only everyone would just forget about his hard core fuck flick. Yeah! I'll bet that's what happened. And I'll bet he called up Dustin Diamond and said, "I dare you...I double dog dare you...to do the Dirty Sanchez."

   And in honor of that momentous dare, a dare that will change holiday-time cable TV forever, it's time to dare to suck....or suck if you dare...whichever.

Family Guy the Video Game - 2K Games

   I was dared to play this game by my brother-in-law, Bike, who claimed it was worse than one of those flash games where the goal is to keep the party guests happy by making sure there's plenty of Chex brand party mix to go around. (Watch out! It's Dr. Snacker, and he wants all the Chex brand party mix for himself!) Now, I took this dare seriously. I've seen Bike play the Futurama video game with a joy that is usually only seen in games that don't suck as hard as the Futurama video game.

   Now, I'm not going to try to tell you that I played the entire Family Guy video game. I honestly don't think it's humanly possible to make it through that all that suckage with out attempting suicide 4 or 5 times. I did play it though. And while, yes, it sucked, it's a game that I dare, nay double dog dare, all you suckers to play. Trust me. The story is lame, the gameplay ranges from passable to annoying to boring. But the bits!? Oh hoh! The bits!

   Most of the jokes in this game are taken straight from the TV show-like the greased-up deaf guy and giant, Svengali-esque pimple. But all the original stuff was written by Family Guy writers who've been given 8 hits of acid, tied to a waterboard and forced to watch naught but Just the Ten of Us reruns and the last 40 minutes of The Deer Hunter for about a week and a half.

   Actually, that's more of an educated guess then an actual fact. But when you intuitively realize that you have to jump on the pregnant woman's belly and send her fetus skittering across the floor in order to advance through the board...you'll realize that I'm not far off. You'll also realize that you have a dark side; a dark side you should really keep hidden.

Britney

   Speaking of keeping your dark side hidden, Britney Spears has been flashing beave and bum all over the place lately--possibly on a dare from skankalite Paris Hilton. Not that I'm against a gratuitous beaver shot; I collect them. Problem is, I already have way more Britneys than I can use. But if anyone has a Florence Henderson full or half moon shot, I can trade you a vintage mylar-protected picture of Merle Oberon popping a wedge at a tennis party in Malibu.

Head On

   I know there must have been a dare or possibly a Trading-Spacesesque bet involved in the making and inexplicable airing of this the most annoying commercial ever. Head On, which apparently can be applied directly to the forehead. It was originally and repetitiously aired along with it's partner: Fredhem hemorrhoid cream. (Yuck! It's one thing to repeat the name of a headache medication over and over, but the word hemorrhoid should never be repeated more than once or twice during an 8 hour broadcast day, never mind a 15 second commercial.) And did they really think that we wouldn't notice that the new spots, while supposedly poking fun at the previous spots, actually repeat the phrase Head On: apply directly to the forehead more than the old ones? Sure, they hired the most annoying actors in the world...most likely in an attempt to distract viewers from the truth, but come on...we can count!

Elf Bowling I & II - Nintendo Gameboy

   Instead of telling you about this crappy game, I'm just going to transcribe the actual conversation where Game Lemon Editor, (or as I call him What Now) assigns this game to me.

Ed: Hey, you!

Me: What now?

Ed: Isn't it almost time for that holiday you celebrate?

Me: You mean Christmas? Yeah. What of it?

Ed: Why don't you do review Elf Bowling for Sucking Lemons? That might be festive.

Me: Which one: Elf Bowing I or II?

Ed: There's Elf Bowling II?

Me: I think it's for the DS.

Ed. Okay. Do that one.

Me: No way.

Ed: Okay. How about the first Elf Bowling game?

Me: Heck no.

Ed: Why not.

Me: Because then I would have to play it. And I'm not going to do that.

Ed: Because you're chicken?

Me: No.

Ed: Yes you are.

Me: No I'm not.

Ed: Yes you are. Yes you are. Yes you are.

Me: No I'm not. No I'm not. No I'm not.

Ed: Yes you are infinity.

Me: Fine, but you are going to burn in hell for making play these crappy games.

Ed: That's fine. I don't believe in hell.

Me: Not now, but you will...when you're stuck there eating hot coals, playing Virtual Boy and talking to the evil Olsen twin.

Ed. I'll take that chance...wait a minute! Which Olsen twin is the evil one?

Me: Oh like you don't know!

   Okay, yes. Elf Bowling I would fit perfectly in a stocking, but so would an orange...and your kid will have much more fun playing with a piece of fruit than with this assy game. I mean, you just knock down the same damn elves with a bowling ball over and over again. And I refuse to even talk about Elf Bowling II because it's not bowling. It's shuffleboard. Elf shuffleboard. Yeeks.

Next Gen Wars

   Speaking of sucky games...what about that game where you stand in line to buy a bunch of PS3s and dodge bullets until you can get them home and sell them on Ebay for thousands of dollars? I guess that's only sucky if you lose.

* Actually, Scott Schwartz, the kid who played Flick made a whole bunch of porn, including Scotty's X-Rated Adventure, New Wave Hookers 5 and The Wrong Snatch. But I don't like to think about it too much or I'll get nightmares. Especially The Wrong Snatch. What's wrong with the snatch?! Brrrrrr.