Hey Lemon Suckers. How are you? Good. You look good. Um. So. Good. How are you doing? Did I already ask that? Well....it's just that I...I...uh...I have to tell you something, but you have to promise you won't get mad. Just promise! Okay. I'm pregnant. Wait. Listen. Stop yelling at me! It totally wasn't my fault! Yes...well...okay when you put it that way, it was totally my fault. B-b-but Gwen Stefani is pregnant too, and I don't see you getting all up in her grill about it.
What do you mean Gwen Stefani can take care of a child better than me? She'll probably name the poor little sucker Lamb or Sushi or something stupid like that! True...she does have millions of dollars, but I.... Hey! I wouldn't call myself a loser web writer. Fine! If you like Gwen so much, why don't you just let her tell you all which video games suck! What? She's here? And she wants to take over my column? Fine! Have it your way, bitches. I hate you all! All twelve of you!
Hi. I'm Gwen. I'm seven months pregnant, yet somehow I'm still model-thin and smoking hot. I'll just stand over here, showing off my baby bump and flashing the peace sign at the camera. There's no camera? Huh? You want me to talk about bad video games? Whatever. As long as it's catered. It's not? Well then just get me a bottle of diet water and a bucket of fat-free fried chicken.
What do we got? Herbie: Fully Loaded for the Gameboy Advance? Cool. Wait. No! Not cool! This game stinks. It really stinks! Why does the stupid car go so slow? Is it because it's a crappy econo-sized poor people's car and not the new Maserati 3200 GT? Why would anyone want to drive anything else? And why am I playing this game? It's the stupidest driving game since Big Rigs: Over the Road Racing. The course is bare, except for a bunch of stars that seem to serve absolutely no purpose. The most interesting thing that happens is every once-in-a-while my crappy-ass car spins around and goes backwards. Hooray.
And ew! Why does that skank Lindsey Lohan keep popping up on the screen? She's not prettier than me. What? She was in the movie Herbie: Fully Loaded? Really? She makes movies? Are you sure she doesn't just go on crash diets and sleep around with C-list actors? I'm pretty sure that's all she does. And she keeps popping up on screen! Wearing a jumpsuit! Great. Now I need something to wash the taste of Lohan out of my mouth. Bring me another bucket of chicken. Low-fat this time...with a side of semi-sweet ranch sauce.
What's next? Shadow of the Colossus for PS2? There must be some mistake. I thought all the video game (cough) journalists in the world were experiencing simultaneous, spontaneous orgasms over that game. If it's so freaking great then why is it in a column about sucky games? Huh? You want me to talk about how it's plagued with unnecessarily difficult gameplay issues and an annoyingly OOC (if you're out of touch, that stands for Out Of Control) camera? Okay, now...that's just crazy talk. I thought that an OOC camera system was the kiss of death for a game and would automatically result in at least a lukewarm review for all titles except ones that feature wide-eyed anime archetypes teaming up with classic and current Disney characters. Does Shadow of the Colossus have any of that? No. Then why would I want to play it?
Oh I see. I get to ride through beautifully-imagined, artistic environments. Cool. Does it come in cool trippy colors with all kinds of crazy, mythical flora and fauna and shit like that? Hmm. Just brown, beige and slate blue. Oh. Huh? Occasionally they mix it up with a flash of grayish green? Next! Really? It has a bunch of cool-ass boss battles? Awesome. On my way to these boss battles do I get to kill a wide variety of challenging but beatable enemies and interact with well-fleshed out and helpful NPCs?
None of that? But see the whole reason killing a boss is satisfying is that afterwards, you get to unlock a whole new flora and fauna-filled environment, and a whole new set of enemies and NPCs to kill and talk to. No? Pass. Well, what do I get to do after I kill a boss in this game? I get to bond with my horse. Yeah, no, see...that sucks. Unless...do I get to brush my horse? Name her? Dress her up in cute little horse outfits? No? F*ck that then.
Oh. I see. It's not a video game; it's art. To hell with that, it's not art unless it comes in black, white and red; like my clothing line, LAMB (in case you're OOT, that stands for Love Angel Music, Baby!). Ooh. That sounds good. Bring me a bucket of deep-fried lamb. And would it kill you to fire up a waffle iron? Or a curly fry machine at the very least? Well. Someone should invent one.
What other horrible game do you have for me? The multi-platformed Bratz Rock Angelz? Hmm. I don't know. The color scheme is black, red and white. The initials spell BRA. Plus, they've replaced the Ss with Zs. So far it looks pretty darn cool. Besides aren't the Bratz always kicking Joan Rivers' ass? I hate that scary-looking bitch. She keeps dissing my fashions! BRA sounds pretty unsucky to me.
Wait a minute! BRA isn't just unsucky; it's pretty darned awesomely good! The Bratz are group of multi-cultural fashion-obsessed friends who go on crazy adventures like starting a magazine, running a juice bar and forming a rock band. Uh oh! The rock concert challenge consists of nothing but putting the Bratz in various poses. I hate to pull rock-star rank, but there's more to putting on a rock concert than just posing. Oh wait. No. I'm wrong. That is all there is to it. I must have been thinking of something else.
BRA rocks! Not only is it brightly colored and full of loud pop music, but it's educational too. It teaches young girls how to wear low-cut outfits, go on juice fasts and cake on make-up thicker than a prune and avo smoothie. In fact, I think that BRA is the best video game ever. This calls for a celebration. Let's send out for a bucket of doubly deep-fried chicken. Get me a diet coke and a jug of spiced mayo on the side.
| PlayerPlaza Games
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