Sucky Sucky Suck Suck Suck Suck Suck!
Actually, I think most of gamers are going to make out like little caffeine-addicted bandits this year. I myself have been staying on the Nice List so Santa will leave a copy of Burnout Revenge under my tree...and maybe Mario Kart DS in my stocking. And, if you're reading this, oh-great-fat-and-jolly one, I still don't have Sly 3 please and thank you.
Some of you, however, have made the Naughty List and deserve naught but lumps of coal - lumps of coal that have been covered in acid and smell like burnt hair. You know who you are, but I'll take this opportunity to point out your bad deeds in the hopes you might feel just enough shame to change your evil ways.
First up, all you jerks who bought the new wi-fi enabled Animal Crossing for the DS just so you could sneak into some hapless 4th graders town and chop down all her trees. For shame! It took her forever to get all those trees. She probably had to wait for a cherry to arrive in a letter home from mom. And for what? So you could be a big man? A big dorky man who makes little kids cry? And you don't even get anything out of it...except a big, smelly, burny piece of coal.
How about you...I don't know what to call you, the only term that springs to mind is fart-knockers...to all you fart-knockers who bought an Xbox at launch and then sold the BOX on EBay. First question: didn't you see the Simpson's episode where future Homer buys the first hovercar ever made when he should've waited until they worked out the kinks? Did you learn nothing from it? Whatever. Enjoy your flaming, crashing boxes of no Dead or Alive 4. Second, why don't you just take your garbage to the recycling bin like a normal person? Extra coal for you!
I would suggest a lump of coal for anyone who was stupid enough to bid 600 bucks for an empty box, but I think you've been punished enough. You, I think, should be forced to write a 3,000 word essay on the importance of reading the fine print. And the regular print. And the bolded all-caps print followed by six exclamation points. I mean, hello, no one was really trying to hide the fact that they were selling a box.
Moving on, an extra-stinky lump of coal to High Voltage for inflicting the multi-platform crapfest that is Charlie and the Chocolate Factory unto an innocent gaming community. The thing that really frosts my cupcakes is that, sure, it's bad, but it's just kind of boring and stupid. In the pantheon of crappy video games based on movies, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory just doesn't measure up. I mean come on, if you're going to suck, you might as well suck HARD. According to independent study conducted by a respected Belgian think tank: here are the top three things you could've added to make this game much, much worse: 3. Oompa-Loompas that explode for no reason. 2. Cut-scene where Grandpa Joe gets naked and jumps into chocolate river. And...drum roll, please! 1. The only available language setting? Swedish!*
Hey! Can we get a fat guy to fart on the lump of coal for our next offenders? That's right, all you marketing jerkwads who dare to slip product frickin' placement into a 50 frickin' dollar video game will get lumps of beer-fart scented coal in your shwag bags. I suggest you shove them in the same place I suggest you shove your Power Bar Power Replays, your brighter-than-every-thing-else-on-the-screen rotating sponsor billboards and your Pepsi swilling, I-pod owning, Gameboy playing video game characters! And I think we all know where that is. The garbage can. (I'm trying to stay on the Nice List.)
Don't think I forgot you, Nintendo. Poor, stupid, opportunity-blowing Nintendo. Scour the globe, but you would never, ever find a bedroom belonging to a girl from any age ranging from four to forty that does not contain a Sanrio item or items. Go ahead, look around a bit. I think you'll find Hello Kitty t-shirts on everyone from the homecoming queen to the lunch lady, Chococat cd cases in the backseat of every Mazda Miata ever made and a Badtz Maru wallet in the black, studded purse of every mall goth from here to Amsterdam (and Amstelveen, for that matter). But when you get the chance to put out a Hello Kitty video game, a sure-fire blockbuster sales bonanza the likes of which has never been seen, what do you do? You give us Hello Kitty Roller Rescue, where the roll part is painfully slow and the rescue part is just plain meh! You could've had it all. There would've been no more countries, no borders, no super powers, just the United States of Nintendo. My god, men, you could've been bigger than Oprah!
So long, suckers! Now, all of you that have received your lumps, I hope you will all learn from your mistakes and resolve to be a little less sucky in 2006. After all, isn't that what the holidays are all about. Now if you excuse me, I have to get back to the kitchen. I'm making Santa a very special batch of brownies. Hey, I had a little extra shake, and it never hurt to grease the wheels now does it?
*Dang, those Belgians are smart, but they sure do hate the Swedes. What's up with that? Coal for you too, Belgium!
| PlayerPlaza Games
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