With single-celled cries of "Marco" and "Polo", we've been playing games since we first swam in the primordial ooze*, and since that time there have been sucky games. Some of these games sucked, like the popular but painful Dodge Rock. While some of these games sucked so much they were actually pretty fun, like Six Degrees of Zook-a game where players tried to connect themselves to a popular, but kind of sucky, caveman named Zook.
When modern man arrived on the scene, he demanded three things: PlayStation, Mountain Dew and more games. Being modern, man and none too swift, he forgot to demand fewer sucky games. Thus, sucky games decided to hang around, not realizing that everyone hates them and talks about them behind their back. Kind of like the Dave Matthews Band.
As in the world of jam bands, the wide world of video games contains a whole lot of suck. All that suckiness can get a bit confusing and overwhelming. That's why Sucking Lemons has handily and dandily sorted the suck into the following categories:
Sucky Gamers: This category includes that button-mashing jackass who keeps beating you at Soul Caliber (aka your girlfriend or little sister), that jackass who keeps saving his game on your game file (aka your boyfriend or little brother) and, of course, any online player who isn't you because video games should limit our interactions with other people, not increase them.
Sucky Game News: This includes any news that has come out since E3 about the next-gen consoles. Supposed real-time demos were actually pre-rendered. Developers can't fit games on one disc. Release dates get pushed waaay back...again. And no one really knows what the Revolution controller will look like. No one. Not even all those game mags publishing mock-ups. Hoo boy, are they going to look like idiots when Nintendo finally releases the stupid thing, and it ends up looking like a dildo. But then again, so will Nintendo...and homophobic frat boys who still play Pokemon, but they always look stupid.
And then there's Hilary "coolin' off the hot coffee" Clinton. Yes, with the whole world going to hell in a Bush basket, Hilary decides to speak out against virtual booty. Way to Suck, Hilary. Maybe if you'd sucked this much in the 90s, Linda Tripp would still be on Senator Lewinsky's Christmas card list.
Games that Suck So Much They're Kind of Fun: No such thing, you say? Au Contraire Mon Fr?re (which is French for "I call bullshit on you, douche!"). Three words: Barbie Horse Adventures. You can do things like steer into a swarm of horse flies over and over again, making the horse drop Barbie on her ass...repeatedly. Eventually the horse loses confidence in Barbie; the horse starts to hate Barbie and then runs off abandoning her in her time of need. Fun!
Except, I guess, for those of you that have nightmares about Barbie and her creepy doll friends staring at you with their dead, doll eyes as they stab you with tiny, plastic high-heeled shoes. Stabbing and staring....staring and stabbing! You might want to get a prescription for Ambien instead. Also, I'm sorry I called you a douche. That was harsh.
Suckiness that Taints Otherwise Good Games: No. Not the boring, one-button gameplay of Killer 7. Sucky gameplay does not taint an otherwise good game, it ruins it, making it sucky game. I'm talking about smaller, less intrusive sucks like the endless sailing in Legend of Zelda: Wind Waker or the pointless dice game in Jade Empire. Both sucky, but which sucks more? I could go on and on about how sailing is mandatory and the dice game is just a side quest and therefore less sucky, but then Wind Waker is a better overall game and blah blah blah diddy blah.
The only way to decide this matter scientifically is to take a couple of test subjects, say my ex-boyfriends, and lock them in a room with an X-Box, a GameCube and a glass of arsenic. Then, force one of them to sail and the other to throw the dice and watch to see which one commits suicide first. Brilliant! Now I just need to get my hands on a big-ass lock, a web camera and a whole bunch of arsenic. Stay tuned.
Games that Suck: In this category, games are rated with either One Suck (like Killer 7), Two Sucks (like Big Rigs: Over the Road Racing) or Three Sucks (like The Hobbit). What? Why does the Hobbit get more Sucks than Big Rigs? Simple:
If you play Big Rigs, you'll play for about 30 seconds, drive through a couple barns, realize the game sucks and spend the rest of the day smoking weed and watching Animal Planet. The Hobbit, however, starts out with little taste of the final battle, which is totally kick ass. So kick ass, in fact, that you will continue to play this game even as it descends into a suck-fest of jumping, climbing and collecting shiny things. And you don't even get to fight Smaug! You get to sneak around Smaug, collecting shiny things. Suck! At this point, your crackhead neighbor comes by and asks for a ride to the crackhouse. Normally you'd respectfully decline, but since you'll do anything to get away from The Hobbit, you agree. You end up getting arrested and going to jail...where you are anally raped. So, there you have it. Big Rigs leads to an afternoon of bong hits, salty snacks and Pet Star reruns. The Hobbit, on the other hand, leads to anal rape and therefore earns an extra Suck.
* Or for you religious nuts: since we first swam in the Garden of Eden...in the primordial ooze. What? You don't think there was ooze in Paradise? Grow up.
| PlayerPlaza Games
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