…wait, seriously? Mario Clock? Is this even a game?

Surprisingly, the answer is yes. Not a deep game, not much in the way of story, and certainly not a lot of variation as far as gameplay is concerned, but there is stuff you can do, and coins you can collect, and power-ups to attain, so yeah, the 200-Nintendo-Point ($2) Mario Clock for DSiWare is, in fact, a game. Plus, it tells you the time!

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After strictly grounding myself from downloading any more random Wii Ware games (My Aquarium? What was I thinking?), I snuck into the Wii shop a few weeks ago and downloaded Wonder Boy and immediately put myself back on lock-down. Sure, Wonder Boy was a hilarious game…20 years ago., and if I had the time, I’d totally play it, but truth be told, I have books–honest to god BOOKS–that I have more time for than Wonder Boy.

Then, yesterday, I went back in…you know, just to look. It was, after all, Wii Ware’s first birthday, and it would be rude to ignore a birthday.  Right? Once in, I saw something that nearly made me drop my Wiimote. Cocoto Platform Jumping Master?! F You, Cocoto! I hope you fall off one of your stupid platforms and drown in the watery grave that should have been your final fate after your last crapfest, Cocoto Fishing Master. I loathe you, Cocoto.

And then I saw something that almost made me forget all about my deadly vendetta against Cocoto…Majora’s Mask. Wha? I can play Majora’s Mask? On my Wii? For ten bucks? I quickly took myself off lock-down, downloaded it, and then immediately put myself back on lock-down. (It’s best not to take any chances, what with Bonzai Barber and Dr Mario floating around there…tantalizingly.)

The story of  Majora’s Mask  begins where Ocarina of Time ends (…hint: you’ve just kicked the crap out of a dude who’s name rhymes with “Canon”).  It was meant as a sequel, but, to me, MM felt more like OOT’s creepy little brother. And, joy of joys, it is STILL creepy. Super creepy. Even creepier, maybe, on my big 2008 tv. (That’s right, Cocoto. My tv is so 2008. You, sir, are so 2000 and late! Burn!)

What game would you take yourself off lock-down to download? (Please don’t say Cocoto Platform Jumper.)

On the heels of Purpleblob’s review of Quantum of Solace for the Playstation 2, I figured I’d lend a hand and share some thoughts on a few of the other versions of the game, having played it on both the Wii and Xbox 360 (the latter of which is comparable to the PS3, as well).

While the PS2 port of the game sported a third-person interface, the “next-gen” varieties used first-person gameplay, with occasional romps into third-person for cover-based shooting and button-press quick-time-events when taking down enemies in a stealthy fashion. The graphics and collision are certainly a bit smoother than the PS2’s version, with none of the wall-bumping problems that Purpleblob mentioned running into (it’s too early in the morning to know if I intended that pun or not, so I’ll just let it go).

QoS on the Wii also features two different control schemes that, although very similar in overall gameplay, do vary the experience slightly. You can use the two-handed, Wiimote + Nunchuck controls that we are all familiar with from Zelda, Super Mario Galaxy, and other such games, or you can plug those two controllers into your trusty Wii Zapper and move around light-gun style. While having the option is cool at times, and at least gives the illusion that there was some variety in the control design, the game is more simple with the basic control configuration, as leaning both arms just to look around the area can get a bit taxing when playing through the entire campaign (rather than just the hand holding the Wiimote).

Online play is another function that was absent on the PS2’s version of Quantum, and while I could take or leave the numerous game modes, the system works fairly well and drops you into a game quite fast (depending on how many players are online, of course). I didn’t notice any lag or stutter when playing on either the Wii or 360, though I did have a few “WTF?” moments, which comes from being unceremoniously dropped in the middle of a game that had already started. Too much of the Halo fan in me, and not enough Call of Duty I suppose (which is where most of the game engine and online function were taken from anyway – hey, Activision can steal their own stuff, it’s cool).

As Purpleblob said, if you really need your Bond fix and you only have a PS2, by all means, pick up that version. If you have options for which console you’re planning to play, though, I’d definitely recommend the Wii for its control scheme and the 360 for its graphics (and the achievements… must… get… achievements…).

Grades: Xbox 360 - 8.6/10, Wii - 8.2/10. Good controls, better graphics, and online functions. Still not a great game, but worth playing, especially for fans of the franchise.

(All screens are from Xbox 360/PS3 versions.)

With the goal of being totally truthful to you, our faithful readers, I will readily admit that I did not spend a lot of time playing the current version of the game I am about to review. There are several reasons for this: 1. It’s really, really simple and short. There’s not a lot to it. Honestly. 2. It’s repetitive, but in a good way, because it’s so damn addicting. And finally, 3. I spent so much time playing these games when I was little that I knew exactly what was going on as soon as I turned on my DS.

Blast from the past

You want to talk old school? How about pre-DS, pre-Gameboy, pre-NE-frickin-S for that matter! The Game & Watch Collection - a Club Nintendo Exclusive for the Nintendo DS - brings three games that were released in 1982 back for your present-day enjoyment. You may be wondering, “How were these games released, though, if there weren’t any platforms on which to play them?” Well, firstly, thanks for asking that, and second, read your history books, junior.

It’s on like… well, you get the idea.
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Since the fine folks at EA and Harmonix decided to grace us with half a game (which can only be purchased at Walmarts and Sam’s Clubs, and their respective internet sites), we’re going to honor them with a Lemon Drop in lieu of a full-sized review. So here goes…

AC/DC Live: Rock Band Track Pack
For Xbox 360, Playstation 2 & 3, and Wii

The first thing you’re treated to when booting up your copy of AC/DC Live: Rock Band Track Pack (hereafter referred to as “the game” because that’s too damn long of a title) is the knowledge that every song on the disc is already unlocked for you. That’s right. No trudging through the entire set list just so you can bring out “You Shook Me All Night Long” at your next social gathering; all of the game’s 18 tracks are ready to be butchered by you and your friends at your convenience.
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With our Lemon Drop feature, we here at GameLemon strive to bring you the usual Lemony humor you’ve come to expect, but in a shorter fashion, one more appropriate for downloadable content or smaller games. With that in mind, my review for Mega Man 2, an NES game made available for download on the Wii’s Virtual Console, can be summed up rather quick.

You need to get this game.

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I hate fishing. The only time I had any luck fishing, I was four. I caught a catfish in a lake in Grand Rapids, MI. I took it back to the hotel and put it in the bathtub and named him Charlie. So, yeah, admittedly, I’m no fisherwoman. Still. I love fishing games. Oh, yes, you might already know that I love Zelda, so Nintendo gets big hugs and kisses from me for Ocarina of Time and Twilight Princess, two awesome Zelda games that also featured some kick ass fishing.

However, Nintendo gets a big kick in the crotch from me for putting Cocoto Fishing Master out on Wii Ware. They knew I’d download it. It has a cute little demon who fishes. How could I resist? Well, I didn’t resist, and I really should have. Cocoto Fishing Master is so unfreakingplayable it should be called Cocoto Throw-the-wii-mote-at-the-wall Master. What in the hell was I thinking? I know I was thinking “hey, this’ll be fun!…even if it kind of sucks, it’ll be kind of fun.” Fuck you, Cocoto Fish you aren’t even good enough to suck! I demand a half-way or even quarter-way playable fishing game with cute demons…or toads…or bumble bees…whatever, I just want it cute and kind of sucky or better.

Okay, yes this game sucks, but so what? You know you’re going to download it. Why? Because the next time your mom comes over and, after her eighth scotch and whisky, says “Oh show me how this Wiiiiiiiii thingie works.” You can turn the thingie on, point to Family Table Tennis and let her have at it while you go and do something productive..like hide the rest of the booze…in your throat.

And this is probably just me, but with it’s four or five randomly banal locations and glorified-pong gameplay, this game reminds me of a non-pornographic DOA Xtreme Beach Volleyball…and y’all know how I loves me some DOA Xtreme Beach Volleyball. But I can’t really play it around my two year old, lest she develop unnatural expectations of the size of her impending boobies.

Nintendo finally launched its WiiWare download service to some minor heralding. Gamers were unsure what the new cash-gobbler would be providing, and whether it would be worth all those Wii points and interminable downloads (I like watching 8-bit Mario run across my screen as much as the next person, but seriously, it takes me about 23 tries to actually download something).

Well, you can put those fears aside, because no matter what other useless drivel you may find for the Wii, Lost Winds will restore your faith in the tiny white trapezoid.

Lost Winds is a very cute, easily approachable tale about a boy named Toku who, while roaming his homeland of Mistralis, comes across Enril, the trapped wind spirit. She tells him of a great evil that is spreading across the land, and that she needs his help getting rid of said bad dudes. Okay, so you may think it sounds a little Zelda-ish… and you’d be right. But if you’re going to pick a formula to follow for a new IP, might as well make it one of the best, right?

The first thing you’ll notice about the game is its art style. For 1000 Wii Points (that’s $10 for those of you scoring at home), you’re going to get a game that looks light years better than shovelware like Carnival Games and other crap that you’d have to pay $40 (plus gas) for. The game’s action takes place in a traditional 2-D plane, but the 3-dimensional backgrounds are rendered with vivid colors and amazing wind effects that truly make the world seem fully alive.

The gameplay is what truly sets Lost Winds apart from other WiiWare titles – and, in fact, many retail Wii games as well. Using the standard two-handed Wii set-up, the nunchuck’s analog stick controls Toku’s movement to the left or right of the screen, while the remote allows you to harness Enril’s power and swoop Toku up onto ledges or across gaps. As the game progresses you can harness more of Enril’s wind skills, allowing you to reach greater heights and control water and fire against your enemies.

The combat is simplistic, as you highlight tiny black blobs and mash the A button in order to vaporize them, but the story moves with such a dramatic flourish for such a seemingly small game. The emphasis is really on exploration, as the game does not provide you with a map or much direction aside from the occasional “East” or “West” from one of the townsfolk. This does not pose any lingering problems, however, as the world is fairly condensed and easy to remember.

Releasing this game on Day 1 for WiiWare was truly a great move on Nintendo’s part. Lost Winds sets the bar for other downloadable games, with great action and pacing, remarkable graphics, and just enough of a story to keep you wanting more (don’t worry, part 2 has already been announced). Though you’ll be able to finish in about 3 or 4 hours, you’ll be highly satisfied when the end comes. Lost Winds is $10 well spent.

Grade: 9.4/10

Now that I’m a mom, I don’t play video games as often as I used to. Not because I don’t have time (come on, what else am I going to do during nap time? Watch Oprah?*). No, I just hate going to GameSpot because the aisles are too small for the stroller. That’s why I was sooooooo psyched when the new WiiWare arrived to my WiiShop channel. Sure, I love downloading the oldie but goody (and…you know…the oldie and kind of crappy) from the virtual console, but BRAND NEW games? Just for me? Available at a wave of a Wiimote? Hoo-freaking-ray, mother fluffers! (Yes, I am trying not to swear, thanks for noticing.)

Despite my initial disappointment that the competitive eating sim was not released on May 12 as promised, I gleefully started downloading. I love RPGs and weird sims, so of course I had to get My Life as a King. For 1, it’s a weird kingdom building sim and for 2, the kingdom you build is located smack dab in the middle of Final Fantasy land. I’ll admit, I held off for a day or two because of the 15 buck price tag, but then I thought…meh, 15 bucks is nothing for a video game. I spent more than that on USED games! 

 No sooner had I finished my rationalizing and forged ahead, when the download screen warned me that I was about to download a game that was going to charge me for additional content. I paused. Eh. It’ll be fine. If I like the game, I’ll pay and if I don’t, I won’t.

 But it’s not that simple. I liked playing My Life as a King, but I’m not sure if I like the game. Sure, the game looks good, and building houses and shops and taverns and crap can get real addictive. As can building up your little army of adventures and sending them out on vague quests to kill generic monsters and whatnot (yeah, I’m going to need a warrior, a thief and and a black mage to go kill the Scorpion King…the rest of you, stay here and look for Enola’s striped bandanna…apparently she lost it.) But at a certain point you realize that all you do is run around, trying to increase the morale of your incestuous subjects (seriously, there are like 5 faces for the whole freaking kingdom), while your adventurers run around buying swords and spells and potions and cool crap before running off to explore new territories and kill stuff. Jebus Cripes! The NPCs are having more fun than me! WTF!

 Yeah, I know. It’s not an adventure game…it’s a weird kingdom building sim. But the problem is that while it is fun and addictive in the beginning, towards the middle it just gets addictive. See, once you get all the happy incestuous subject points you can get, the highest reward is that you can get more happy points, but why in the f’n heck would I need more happy points when I’ve already gotten the highest reward? And while I can make my subject happy, there’s really nothing I can do to piss them off (yet anyways, but  I don’t think that I’m going to clear a level 40 dungeon and be rewarded with a chime and a screen that says “Citizens now have the ability to feel rage.”) so why do I run around trying to make them happy and hire people to look for their missing doo-rags? There’s no reward for doing it and no punishment for not doing it. And since I’ve built all the houses I can build and hired all the adventurers I can hire, there’s not much left to do.

 Phooey. I’ll admit, I did buy some of the add-on content (but I refused to shell out a buck so the king could change clothes…he doesn’t need new clothes…especially not the kind you can buy for a buck), but I have the feeling that I’ll end this game soon and the way I end all my crazy addictions: with  a weird mix of pride for digging my way out and shame for falling so low. Or, I might buy every bit of add-on content (about 50 bucks) including the clothes (hey, it’s only a buck!) and play every second of this evil game, hating it and myself every second. I’ll keep you posted.

*I do that, too, but sometimes it’s a re-run…or a Tom Cruise interview.