An interesting article (with a truly inspired title!) over at the Escapist, talking about sexiness in video games. Not sex - sexiness. It’s a good read, even if it does start in a rather convoluted manner, and the related discussion in the forum features some more good thoughts. One good one (from the forum) that totally resonated with me is how Mass Effect, for all the controversy, was in fact totally sterile in its romantic undertakings.

For my part, I think it’s much more a matter of properly understanding the psychology of attraction than dealing with the fact that our technology is still not good enough to produce a realistic looking kiss in a game. And frankly, we are heavily suffering from the fact that game development is overrun by males, most of whom have no idea how to create even a semblance of that very thing they spend their entire lives chasing with their tongues hanging out. Oh crap, wait, I am a male. Well, even so

Well, according to Kotaku presidential candidate Barack Obama has managed to mention GTA without launching into a spit-propelling rant about hookers and morality. Truly, we could not expect anything more video game friendly than that out of a politician in this day and age, and this is clearly a sign that God wants me to vote for Obama, kidnap McCane and Hillary, and stick them on a deserted island armed with nothing more than copies of GTA IV and a couple of dirty hypodermic needles. Thank you, Lord, I know how to acknowledge your signs when you send them to me. I am on the mother f*cker; just chill them niggers out and wait for the cavalry, which should be coming directly.

In a weird Freaky Friday type switcheroo (the original with Jody Foster, not the remake with…um…Lindsey Lohan maybe?), suddenly all the presidential candidates (that matter) are black or female and are balls-to-the-wall courting the all important white male, or “dude”, vote. Now, I know that the term “balls-to-the-wall” is one that I tend to over-use, but in this case, I really mean it. I mean they went on WWE for Flair’s sake. Seriously, the candidates for the highest office of the United States of America went on WWE.

Now, I know that after getting her panties in a bunch about that hot coffee crap, my girl Hill-dawg has lost the Gamer Vote. And you’re right, that was totally lame…I mean jebus, I care even less about pre-marital avatar sex than I do about extra-marital president sex. So I can’t believe I’m saying this but come on, dudes. I’ll say it again: COME ON, DUDES!!!. We’re only asking for this one freaking thing. Why can’t you just give us one little presidency? You totally owe us. I’m not going to be petty and list all of the crap we’ve put up with over the last 200 or so years…just the top 20: First there’s that whole not giving us the vote thing. What was that about? Then there’s (in no particular order) Gene Simmons, Girls Gone Wild, The Creepy Guy at the end of the bar who looks like Gene Simmons, wet t-shirt contests, Jell-O wrestling, The Glass Ceiling, The Creepy Guy on the bike who grabs your ass on the street and then rides away before you can push him into traffic (so frustrating!), The Christian Right, The ERA (What’s up, America? Why won’t you just pass it? You passed the ADA. What? You like people with disabilities more than us? Well then I hope you like sleeping in a bed with a lift bar above it because they can have you, America), Donna Reed, myfreeimplants.com, The Governor of California, deviled eggs, rape, The Lewinski Scandal being called The Lewinski Scandal and not The Clinton Scandal, domestic violence, stalkers, The Creepy Guy who calls you a dyke because you don’t want to have sex with him, Hooters, and Hef. Come on, you should give us at least 8 years in office for that Myfreeimplants.com thing alone!

Oh. You haven’t seen Myfreeimplants.com? Well then allow me to enlighten you on this shiny new nail in the coffin of feminism. The idea is that women log on, post pictures of themselves and blog about how they wish they looked more like a stripper. Then, men log on and donate money to the girl they deem most worthy of looking like a stripper. Yeesh. I really don’t like using the term Militant Feminist, but I really do think we lost a war. I’m pretty sure we lost the vote. I’m not sure when exactly, but things haven’t gone our way since the 90s. Oh, and ladies, you are NOT helping. Take Traci, a former flat chest who recently received a free set of funbags from MFI. This is her actual reaction to the good news:

1 DAY, 10 HOURS UNTIL MY NEW BOOBIES!!!!!!!!!

by Traci HAS boobs on Tue, Mar 11th

Well, Tomorrow is my last day at work and the last day to wear my everyday size 34B bra!!! Thursday morning I’ll be waking up, taking a shower, and going to get my new DD boobies!!! I can’t believe it!!! Me with huge boobs!!! I never thought this day would come!!! I can’t wait to hear of more of you to reach your goals and meet me in Hooterville!!! Best of luck!!! MUAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Um, Traci? First of all, spell your name with a “Y” already. Second, you used over 50 exclamation points without using so much as one OMG. Your Exclamation point to OMG ratio is all off!!!!! You’re making us all look dumb!!! OMG!!!

Come on!

So a couple weeks ago my 360 died. I sent it off to MS and they sent me a replacement that arrived last night once UPS realized that in an apartment with buildings labeled A-Z trying to deliver a package to apartment “15″ is a difficult endeavor to say the least.

Anyway, I hooked up all the cables, resynced the controllers and had a rollicking good time playing Rock Band, which I’ve missed dearly. However, later that night I tried to play Puzzle Quest, and the Xbox would have none of that. I was restricted to the trial version, and no matter how many times I deleted and re-downloaded the game and regardless of my heartfelt pleas and various sacrifices (cats are surprisingly hard to kill), it wouldn’t work. Thus, Microsoft’s antiquated and utterly stupid DRM rules have gotten me, and I’m furious.

Anyone know how to fix this without talking to “Max” the Microsoft automaton?

Here’s a fun game, let’s take bets at how long I’m on the phone before I realize that no one on the other end can help me and I smash both my Xbox and my phone in a fit of rage.

I’m setting the over/under at an hour and twenty-three minutes.

So while the real gaming press is busy salivating over various new game details revealed at THQ’s recent press event in sunny San Francisco, I, like a true modern-day consumer, only bother looking at the pictures. The one displayed here, in particular, is from an upcoming game called Darksiders: Wrath of War, and it makes me want to ask one thing and one thing only: “Can THQ make a sword that even a THQ character can’t lift?” Apparently, the answer is a resounding “NO”. THQ characters can lift ANY sword and that’s final. Even a sword that’s 10 times bigger than the character himself. Even a sword that denies every law of physics by its very existence. Even a sword that’s just too goddamned big to fit on the damn screen. And yes, even a sword whose only practical purpose might be to (yet again!) reshuffle all those “Top 10 biggest swords in video games!” articles.

And the game itself? It’s largely irrelevant to this particular rant, but it looks like a bunch of Shadow of the Colossus type giants who finally got off Prozac and decided to kick some ass. I’ll hold further commentary till the game comes out and I can assess the ridiculous size of those swords in person.

So today at that “other”, paying job, my client told me that tomorrow their company is having a “Wii and pizza night”, and invited me to join. I must admit I am extremely curious to see a bunch of serious business people make something of a spectacle of themselves as they duke it out in Wii Sports with those lovable white controllers. Somehow I am sure it’s all going to look at least a little comical. I don’t know about you, but when I play the Wii in the privacy of my living room, I am still a little self-conscious of outside observers. My wife, who could only be described as a gamer in a world where there is only a single game in existence - Tetris, has made it clear (in no uncertain terms) that her suppression of laughter during my Wii-playing sessions is only a result of her undying love for my sensitive ego. And if I look funny, I can only imagine what the Wii factor is going to look like on a bunch of suits. Report from the front lines to follow. Meanwhile, I am dying to know if this is indeed a widespread phenomenon, and if the Wii has now replaced ping pong and foosball tables at large corporations. Feel free to report on the status of this life-changing question at your particular place of business