Check out this new “game” by a new “video game company” company called Prayer Works. I’ll say it does. I’ve been praying for something new to mock ever since that Miley-on-a-stripper-pole thing got old.  Just kidding. I know that was just a hoax…also it will NEVER get old. I can’t give this a thumbs up to this yet, but I can say, if they don’t include a “hide from the pedophile” mini-game, there will be hell to pay. Get it? Hell. Oh…comedy.

Come on Paul, you pussy. Wave that incense!

IGN has some rogue-reporter-with-an-Iphone footage of a un-Nintendo-like violent and bloody Super Smash Brothers Xtreme trailer. I think the moment we are supposed to figure it out is when Link cuts Mario’s head off. I figured it out with the “reporter” thing.  Ha ha. That’s funny. Like you would ever print anything you didn’t get directly off a press release, IGN. Funny stuff.

Next year, can you do a trailer of Dead or Alive B? And can it be about a group of brainy, small-breasted volley-ball players? Please?

At first, when Razzie founder, John Wilson, called Uwe Boll the “worst living director on Earth”, I felt really bad for the guy. Ouch. I couldn’t help but wonder how it would feel if some website named me The Worst Crappy Web Writer on Earth. I wouldn’t like it at all! The worst? I’d like to think that I would at least make the top 50 in the 100 Top Crappy Web Writers List. (Ooh ooh! Hey hey! Could someone please create such a list? Esquire…I’m looking at you!)

But then I saw Boll’s  video response, where the gaming community’s favorite whipping boy speaks out against his Razzie and also appears to make fun of the people of Darfur and anyone who has ever raised or given money to the genocide-ridden region. Hm. Quite the dick move. Not quite as dicky, though, as the fact that he ends the video with a promise to go away and never make movies again; despite the fact that Imdb has listed 7 movies as “in production”, including Bloodrayne: 3 Warhammer, a movie he told Fangoria “… is definitely happening… and it will be the final installment.”

Whoa…here is a guy that just promised on camera not to make any more of what he calls m-o-v-i-e-s. And we are just supposed to believe him when he says he isn’t going to unleash BloodRayne 4: The Final Chapter upon an unsuspecting public. Well, I’m here to say that I do, in fact, suspect Mr. Boll. I suspect!

Left 4 Dead has been given one of the finest forms of flattery that American culture can bestow upon a work. Following in the tradition of Saving Ryan’s Privates and Free Your Willy, we now have Left 4 Head. Yes, you read that right.

Zoey, seen here fully clothed.

Don’t believe me? Check out Kif’s Blog (via Wired.com of all places, thanks guys!) for a full, umm, review of DIY porno at its finest. Any other games/series you’d want to see get the XXX treatment?

By now most of you have heard of the Large Hadron Collider currently working at CERN over in Europe to either: A) Find a “god” particle, B) End the world, or C) Something in between that’s equally as important scientifically. Depends on who you ask, I guess.

Anyway, the point is that the good folks over there seem to have great humor in the face of pending success/doom, as several clever staffers realized that one among their ranks looked a lot like Gordon Freeman from the Half-Life series. Now the folks over at 1up.com have shared links to plenty of pictures of the scientists taking this joke to its extreme, having “Gordon” equip his hardhat and crowbar to take care of a minor headcrab infestation that seems to have affected the lab.

The pics are pretty funny, and it’s good to see that the guys and gals over at CERN aren’t all work and no play. No word yet on whether anyone sports this t-shirt to work, though.

The Android phone isn’t even out yet, but some concerned citizens are already questioning the security of the unlock feature included on the device. Rather than entering a numeric code, Android requires you to connect 9 on-screen dots using a personalized pattern. While on the surface this seems like just another gimmick for helping you remember keypad numbers, TechChrunch is citing concern that finger smudges left on the touch-sensitive screen of the phone may give away the key to the castle to thieves or strangers.

While the official response from Google was “that’s just totally stupid because those smudges would be oversmudged by other smudges from actual phone use”, the famed technology company does realize that a non-trivial percentage of their target consumer audience comprises intellectually limited ignoramuses who just want to argue. Therefore, in a quick pre-release move, Google has modified the unlock feature which will now require the would-be thief to beat the owner’s score in a quick game of Space Invaders in order to unlock the device.

“That oughta hold’em”, giggled one member of the Google Android team, who refused to be named. “We put some new nasties into the game that should make it extra interesting”.

Indeed, the device may have now become so secure that the owners themselves may have trouble getting in. “I was hyped up on Red Bull last night and totally crushed my own record score,” complains Josh, a college student who is beta-testing the new change. “Now I can’t get back in.” The FBI has already expressed concern that situations like this may cause kids to turn to illegal drugs like heroin in order to best their own records.

But Google remains unperturbed. “Next time they’ll think twice before complaining about something stupid like that,” says Kathy, a marketing executive with the company. “We’ll keep the feature on for week or two and then revert back to the original method via a patch. That should teach them a lesson in consumer manners.”

Gears of War designer Cliff Bleszinski, more commonly known under the moniker ‘CliffyB’, announced yesterday that he no longer wishes to be called by that name, since it is not consistent with his current lifestyle and life goals. When asked whether this essentially means that he has decided to become an old fart, Cliffy smiles, and answers: “Precisely.”

Apparently, old fartdom has been a long time dream of the renowned game designer. Over the past several years, Bleszinski has often contemplated officially beginning his apprenticeship as an old fart, but the unbridled enthusiasm of millions of teenage gamers over Gears of War has made it difficult. “Now that the hiatus over the original Gears of War has gone down, and the hiatus over Gears of War 2 has not yet begun in earnest, I feel like I have a precious window of opportunity to finally embark on the path to my life long dream”, says Cliff.

And what’s so attractive about being an old fart? According to Bleszinski, the benefits are plenty. “They eat what they want, don’t need to look good for the ladies, and don’t have to move around a lot,” says the game designer formerly known as CliffyB. “They can just sit at their desks, scratch their bellies, and lament the unfairness of life. And, because of the added weight, they are a lot steadier on their feet during strong winds. And that’s just cool.”

To be sure, the journey towards old fartdom will not be easy. Bleszinski ’s first goal: gain 15 pounds and grow 50 gray hairs in the next six months. These are the minimum acceptance requirements that have been set for the renowned designer by the Old Fart Association of America.

At 33 years of age, some critics say Bleszinski’s entry into the ranks of old farts may be a little premature. But the designer disagrees. “Early old fartdom runs in my family,” he says. “My father became an old fart when he was only 31. And my grandfather is rumored to have entered his apprenticeship even earlier, in his late twenties. Sure, people didn’t live as long in those days, but still, by my family’s standards, I am a few years behind.”

Not all fans are thrilled with Bleszinski’s new move. One totally random eighteen year-old self-proclaimed gamer we met on the street called the decision “nucking futs”. And another twenty five year old said that “in 10 years, he’ll be begging for someone to call him CliffyB again”. But Bleszinski is not deterred. “In 10 years, they will understand,” he says.

I was so busy rickrolling bitches yesterday that this little gem went completely under my radar. Now, I’m not a GIANT gamer dork, I mean I DID name my daughter Zelda and I DO write for a site named GameLemon, but I’m not a GIANT dork. Huge? Maybe. Still, when I watched the Legend of Zelda Movie Trailer on IGN, I went through the exact same thought processes the rest of you GIANT gamer dorks went through:

“Oh my holy crap Jesus with a crossbow. A Zelda movie. Oh. Presented by IGN? Since when does IGN present anything except ads for crappy Anime games masquerading as legitimate journalism? Never. Oh, but that Scottish dude is awesome! He seems like a real actor. And sort of hot. I’m kind of crushing on bald, Scottish Ren Faire dude!* Oh but the date is April 1st. I’ve been conditioned to mistrust anything connected with that date. Oh shit! Look out, Link. Shoot that spider thingie in the eye. Trust me, I’ve been there, man. Oh are those peahats? Wow! Okay, that date must be a coincidence. Oh joy. A movie based on OoT. I’m going to totally dork out. I might even show up in costume. Or not.** Oh…an upgraded Master Sword. Oh…Ganon has a fake beard. This piece of shit is so FAKE! Fake Trailer! Frailer! Frailer!”

Today the GIANT dork boards and blogs are a buzz with speculation…there are those of us who still think it was too well done to be a fake. Well, 1. IGN already fessed up. And 2. Yes, I agree. For an IGN prank…it was remarkably well-done. But for a balls-to-the-wall all-out bid for a massive amount of publicity for a lil ole movie company called Rainfall films…I think they could’ve looked a little harder for an actor with a red beard.

* Okay. I might have been alone on that particular thought.

** That one too.

Popular gaming blog Kotaku was struck by a strange malady today, deforming the face of the popular site and peppering it with ugly, repetitive headlines screaming “How XXX Makes Home Really, Really Cool”, with a different game name being substituted for XXX every time. Internet commentators suspect a strange new replicating virus, while people close to the situation have been heard whispering something about “common laziness”. When reached for comment, Kotaku editor MICHAEL MCWHERTOR, whose name appeared next to the suspect postings, refused to talk to us, but later sent us three empty emails with the subject line “Mike McWhertor makes Kotaku really really cool”. When we checked with our resident psychologist, the good doctor confirmed that these might indeed be symptoms of garden variety sloth. GameLemon has informed Kotaku senior editors of the situation, and wishes Michael a speedy recovery.

According to the guys at Kotaku Street Fighter IV is only half finished. Technically, Capcom still has till July, but that’s not a lot of time in game development years. What might Capcom do come those hot summer months and the game is still incomplete? The marketing machine cannot be stopped, the proverbial trucks are waiting to rush the game to hungry fans around the world and yet Ken still only has one working leg…

The answer? Paraplegic Street Fighter, of course! In a bold move, Capcom changes the title of the game at the last minute, and invalids around the world celebrate the first game ever featuring handicapped fighters!!! Crowds cheer as Chun Lee crawls into the ring on her powerful arms and Ryu swings a prosthetic leg above his head with his one good arm! And everyone is trembling in anticipation of Zangief’s new “Wheelchair Piledriver” move…!

And who makes the surprise character appearance, you ask? Why it’s Paraplegic Santa, of course! Tears of joy stream down his face and he shrugs off a flurry of attacks against his unfeeling legs and wacks Blanka on the head with his big bag of paraplegic Christmas presents! Boy, being hit with spare wheelchair parts sure gotta hurt!

Bravo Capcom, bravo!!!