Courting The Gamer Vote
In a weird Freaky Friday type switcheroo (the original with Jody Foster, not the remake with…um…Lindsey Lohan maybe?), suddenly all the presidential candidates (that matter) are black or female and are balls-to-the-wall courting the all important white male, or “dude”, vote. Now, I know that the term “balls-to-the-wall” is one that I tend to over-use, but in this case, I really mean it. I mean they went on WWE for Flair’s sake. Seriously, the candidates for the highest office of the United States of America went on WWE.
Now, I know that after getting her panties in a bunch about that hot coffee crap, my girl Hill-dawg has lost the Gamer Vote. And you’re right, that was totally lame…I mean jebus, I care even less about pre-marital avatar sex than I do about extra-marital president sex. So I can’t believe I’m saying this but come on, dudes. I’ll say it again: COME ON, DUDES!!!. We’re only asking for this one freaking thing. Why can’t you just give us one little presidency? You totally owe us. I’m not going to be petty and list all of the crap we’ve put up with over the last 200 or so years…just the top 20: First there’s that whole not giving us the vote thing. What was that about? Then there’s (in no particular order) Gene Simmons, Girls Gone Wild, The Creepy Guy at the end of the bar who looks like Gene Simmons, wet t-shirt contests, Jell-O wrestling, The Glass Ceiling, The Creepy Guy on the bike who grabs your ass on the street and then rides away before you can push him into traffic (so frustrating!), The Christian Right, The ERA (What’s up, America? Why won’t you just pass it? You passed the ADA. What? You like people with disabilities more than us? Well then I hope you like sleeping in a bed with a lift bar above it because they can have you, America), Donna Reed, myfreeimplants.com, The Governor of California, deviled eggs, rape, The Lewinski Scandal being called The Lewinski Scandal and not The Clinton Scandal, domestic violence, stalkers, The Creepy Guy who calls you a dyke because you don’t want to have sex with him, Hooters, and Hef. Come on, you should give us at least 8 years in office for that Myfreeimplants.com thing alone!
Oh. You haven’t seen Myfreeimplants.com? Well then allow me to enlighten you on this shiny new nail in the coffin of feminism. The idea is that women log on, post pictures of themselves and blog about how they wish they looked more like a stripper. Then, men log on and donate money to the girl they deem most worthy of looking like a stripper. Yeesh. I really don’t like using the term Militant Feminist, but I really do think we lost a war. I’m pretty sure we lost the vote. I’m not sure when exactly, but things haven’t gone our way since the 90s. Oh, and ladies, you are NOT helping. Take Traci, a former flat chest who recently received a free set of funbags from MFI. This is her actual reaction to the good news:
1 DAY, 10 HOURS UNTIL MY NEW BOOBIES!!!!!!!!!
by Traci HAS boobs on Tue, Mar 11th
Well, Tomorrow is my last day at work and the last day to wear my everyday size 34B bra!!! Thursday morning I’ll be waking up, taking a shower, and going to get my new DD boobies!!! I can’t believe it!!! Me with huge boobs!!! I never thought this day would come!!! I can’t wait to hear of more of you to reach your goals and meet me in Hooterville!!! Best of luck!!! MUAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Um, Traci? First of all, spell your name with a “Y” already. Second, you used over 50 exclamation points without using so much as one OMG. Your Exclamation point to OMG ratio is all off!!!!! You’re making us all look dumb!!! OMG!!!
Come on!
April 24th, 2008 at 11:21 am
You know, I’d totally give it up for a woman Prez, but “come on!” right back at you - you gotta give me a real female candidate! Cuz I am pretty sure Hil has got a pair of balls stapled onto her backside. They are probably Bill’s, and I am fairly sure they are itchy after that whole Lewinski thing. I mean a woman President is one thing, but a “woman-with-a-pair-of-her-practically -ex-husband-if-it-wasn’t-for-politics’ balls stapled to her backside” President is something different entirely.
Oh yeah, and all three of them (the candidates, not Bill’s balls) should be sliced to death with a potato peeler for that WWE thing. I was watching that on The Daily Show the other night (btw, can a TV show be President? Cuz I’d totally vote for The Daily Show!) - and that had to be BY FAR the most embarrassing thing ever done (and willingly exposed to the public) by presidential nominees.
April 24th, 2008 at 12:50 pm
I swear that dude in the photo looks just like my buddy Edmund from Boston!
Yes, the shameful pandering of going on WWE Raw, the show that ran a 2 hour tribute to a man that murdered his family the night before; the show that featured 82 year old Mae Young “giving birth” to “Sexual Chocolate” MArk Henry’s “baby”; the show that has Stone Cold Steve Austin “crucified” above the arena while strapped to a giant Undertaker logo “cross”. I don’t know what demographic they’re really trying to reach here- steroid abusing young males with homicidal tendencies, an octogenarian fetish and a god complex? We’ve truly hit a low point as a nation because now Vince McMahon will have footage of a future president coming on his show. Do you smell what Barack is cooking?
The even lower point was the fake Hillary vs. fake Barack match that happened later in the show. I think in the next “Smackdown vs. Raw” game, the candidates should be unlockable characters. I mean who wouldn’t want to see Hill-Dawg lay the Smackdown on Candice Michelle? Or McCain vs. Hogan- it’s the only way to make Johnny MAc look younger, by fighting a geriatric ball of roid rage! Best of all Barack Obama could rid the wrestling world of “Cryme Tyme” and hence eliminate another racial stereotype in pro-wrestling. Now if only we could see Ahmedinajad vs. The Iron Sheik.
April 24th, 2008 at 7:13 pm
Really, how much lower than WWE would they have to sink to pander for votes? Amateur Hard-Core Porn? Snuff films? A cameo on Rock of Love? No. That would be too low.
(BTW, those are not Bill’s balls…they’re Linda Tripp’s. Pay attention.)