Saw this neat article very much in that sarcastic GameLemon vein today over at TechRadar.com. Among my favorites:

“You avoid playing on the Wii because it’s too much effort

There’s no denying that the Nintendo Wii is a revolutionary games machine but… well, it does require a lot of effort. Aren’t there times when you just want to slouch into a comfy sofa with a traditional joypad? Times when you can’t be arsed with all that wiimote waving and waggling? It’s way too energetic – a 20 minute bowling session in Wii Sports is almost akin to a full workout.”

..and

“You’ve pre-ordered GTA IV but don’t mind if it doesn’t turn up on launch day

Wednesday’s just fine. Really. You’re a bit busy at the moment, anyway. In fact, you probably won’t get a chance to play GTA IV until the weekend. You’re also not bothered by the prospect of downloading the DLC for GTA IV either. You’ll never finish the main game anyway.”

Yep, well, that first one just about rules me out. Though I safely evaded the second one because I am too much of a snob to play GTA IV in the first place.

Here’s a feel-good story for all the video game haters out there. Former NHL star (that’s hockey, for the 96% of the US that doesn’t watch) Pat LaFontaine and his Champions in Courage program has been hooked up with Microsoft for some time now, allowing sick and disabled children living in hospitals across the country to connect to friends and family online, and the computer giant has stepped it up another notch, bringing Xbox 360 kiosks to several of the hospitals. The kiosks run on a private Xbox Live network, allowing the kids to interact with each other via text or video chat and play games with and against each other. This is a great organization, and LaFontaine was on NHL Live on XM Radio late last week explaining the details of the new program. You can read the official press release on the Champions in Courage website here. There’s also some coverage on GameInformer’s website, and an interview with LaFontaine on nhl.com. It’s great to see some positive video-game related press once in a while. Pass the word on to your nay-saying friends or make a donation. It’s really a great cause and seems to truly have a positive effect on the children.

In a weird Freaky Friday type switcheroo (the original with Jody Foster, not the remake with…um…Lindsey Lohan maybe?), suddenly all the presidential candidates (that matter) are black or female and are balls-to-the-wall courting the all important white male, or “dude”, vote. Now, I know that the term “balls-to-the-wall” is one that I tend to over-use, but in this case, I really mean it. I mean they went on WWE for Flair’s sake. Seriously, the candidates for the highest office of the United States of America went on WWE.

Now, I know that after getting her panties in a bunch about that hot coffee crap, my girl Hill-dawg has lost the Gamer Vote. And you’re right, that was totally lame…I mean jebus, I care even less about pre-marital avatar sex than I do about extra-marital president sex. So I can’t believe I’m saying this but come on, dudes. I’ll say it again: COME ON, DUDES!!!. We’re only asking for this one freaking thing. Why can’t you just give us one little presidency? You totally owe us. I’m not going to be petty and list all of the crap we’ve put up with over the last 200 or so years…just the top 20: First there’s that whole not giving us the vote thing. What was that about? Then there’s (in no particular order) Gene Simmons, Girls Gone Wild, The Creepy Guy at the end of the bar who looks like Gene Simmons, wet t-shirt contests, Jell-O wrestling, The Glass Ceiling, The Creepy Guy on the bike who grabs your ass on the street and then rides away before you can push him into traffic (so frustrating!), The Christian Right, The ERA (What’s up, America? Why won’t you just pass it? You passed the ADA. What? You like people with disabilities more than us? Well then I hope you like sleeping in a bed with a lift bar above it because they can have you, America), Donna Reed, myfreeimplants.com, The Governor of California, deviled eggs, rape, The Lewinski Scandal being called The Lewinski Scandal and not The Clinton Scandal, domestic violence, stalkers, The Creepy Guy who calls you a dyke because you don’t want to have sex with him, Hooters, and Hef. Come on, you should give us at least 8 years in office for that Myfreeimplants.com thing alone!

Oh. You haven’t seen Myfreeimplants.com? Well then allow me to enlighten you on this shiny new nail in the coffin of feminism. The idea is that women log on, post pictures of themselves and blog about how they wish they looked more like a stripper. Then, men log on and donate money to the girl they deem most worthy of looking like a stripper. Yeesh. I really don’t like using the term Militant Feminist, but I really do think we lost a war. I’m pretty sure we lost the vote. I’m not sure when exactly, but things haven’t gone our way since the 90s. Oh, and ladies, you are NOT helping. Take Traci, a former flat chest who recently received a free set of funbags from MFI. This is her actual reaction to the good news:

1 DAY, 10 HOURS UNTIL MY NEW BOOBIES!!!!!!!!!

by Traci HAS boobs on Tue, Mar 11th

Well, Tomorrow is my last day at work and the last day to wear my everyday size 34B bra!!! Thursday morning I’ll be waking up, taking a shower, and going to get my new DD boobies!!! I can’t believe it!!! Me with huge boobs!!! I never thought this day would come!!! I can’t wait to hear of more of you to reach your goals and meet me in Hooterville!!! Best of luck!!! MUAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Um, Traci? First of all, spell your name with a “Y” already. Second, you used over 50 exclamation points without using so much as one OMG. Your Exclamation point to OMG ratio is all off!!!!! You’re making us all look dumb!!! OMG!!!

Come on!

…oh wait, it’s just the Gears of War 2 edition. Call off the paramedics. Or whatever, let them come, maybe they can fix that pinkish fungus thing I’ve got growing behind my left ear while they are here.

…aaanyway, Gears of War 2 then. Well, without regurgitating the article which I am sure all of you have already swallowed whole, pooped out and swallowed again, I am just glad to learn that the core gameplay is remaining pretty much as in the original. I thought GoW1 absolutely nailed the core mechanics and the last thing I’d want to see is them messing with that just because they feel the dreaded “pressure to innovate”. I mean, hell, it will inevitably happen eventually, but I hope they last at least through GoW 3 before caving.

Can’t say that I got particularly excited by the new cast of characters (or baddies, for that matter) - but only because I was perfectly happy with them the first time around. It’s not like the first game really gave us a chance to get tired of them or anything - which brings me to the other point - it was awesome to hear that the story is going to get a depth-first makeover. I know some people won’t agree with me, but I think EVERY good game, no matter what the genre, should have a story that’s good enough to stand as an independent piece of work. All right, so maybe puzzle games get to have crappy stories, but that’s it.

The expanded cast of new vehicles sounds moderately exciting - here is hoping the vehicle gameplay gets a makeover as well. I am all for burning up the vampiric Kryll, but overall GoW1 vehicle combat was kind of anti-climactic as compared to the rest of the game. While I’ll admit that it sort of worked as a nice contrast at times, overall I’d like to see some hardcore vehicle combat integrated into the game. Maybe give Marcus a nuclear-powered pink tricycle with a mounted Hammer of Dawn, I dunno.

Anyway, those are my impressions of the preview. I gotta go (the paramedics are here) - but feel free to share your own thoughts on seeing your red GI this month.

Activision has announced that they are developing Spider-Man: Web of Shadows for every system out there (yes, including PS2), due out sometime this fall. Straying a bit from the movie formula - and thankfully, from the awful display that was Friend or Foe - Web of Shadows looks to give the players complete control over how they play the game, from which bad guys to fight to which powers to upgrade. RPG-ish, maybe, but it’s Spidey, so it’ll probably be a lot cooler than your average RPG (oh man I’m sure to piss off some people with that one). Check out Yahoo!’s first look and features page for more info, and head to the official site for the full trailer and other details. From the looks of it, we could be seeing an army of Venom-like enemies, and that will surely kick ass.

A very special beast, the videogamer has to keep all his crap in some place or another. While some keep it neatier than Martha Stewart’s cell (too soon?), others tend to toss boxes, cartidges and peripherals with all the tidiness of an ape poo fight. Which side of the spectrum do you fall on?

Lately, I personally have been invading the general public’s entertainment room with my gaming stuff. What once was a perfectly normal TV room with a TV, a DVD player and maybe a plugged in console, now looks like some evil overlord’s tech room. I think it gives it a little personality, but that’s just me. Anyway, with no much further ado, I give you Leon’s gaming den (pictures taken with crappy cell phone and bad lighting).

TV and shelves. (old picture; TV is actually pretty old even if gargantuan).
PlayStation haven.
PS2/PS3/PSP games/PS3 system/PSP system
X-Box 360
Wii
GameCube
X-Box
Rockin’ stuff (”Rock Band” and “Guitar Hero III”; other RB stuff not pictured)

What does your gaming lair look like? Do share some pictures.

So we officially have a price for Nintendo’s eagerly awaited mostly insignifcant Wii Fit. Kotaku is reporting that the bundle of the game and balance board will retail for $90.

Now American gamers know exactly how much it will cost them to pretend to exercise while standing not so perfectly still on a slab of plastic. The good news is that since you’re paying just under a C note after taxes for this fitness revolution it will likely take longer for you to denegrate the balance board into little more than a TV tray for your gigantic, calorie-laden, trans fat having, heart attack inducing American-sized dinner.

Is anybody else getting hungry? I sure could go for a 2 lb steak right about now…

So a couple weeks ago my 360 died. I sent it off to MS and they sent me a replacement that arrived last night once UPS realized that in an apartment with buildings labeled A-Z trying to deliver a package to apartment “15″ is a difficult endeavor to say the least.

Anyway, I hooked up all the cables, resynced the controllers and had a rollicking good time playing Rock Band, which I’ve missed dearly. However, later that night I tried to play Puzzle Quest, and the Xbox would have none of that. I was restricted to the trial version, and no matter how many times I deleted and re-downloaded the game and regardless of my heartfelt pleas and various sacrifices (cats are surprisingly hard to kill), it wouldn’t work. Thus, Microsoft’s antiquated and utterly stupid DRM rules have gotten me, and I’m furious.

Anyone know how to fix this without talking to “Max” the Microsoft automaton?

Here’s a fun game, let’s take bets at how long I’m on the phone before I realize that no one on the other end can help me and I smash both my Xbox and my phone in a fit of rage.

I’m setting the over/under at an hour and twenty-three minutes.

So while the real gaming press is busy salivating over various new game details revealed at THQ’s recent press event in sunny San Francisco, I, like a true modern-day consumer, only bother looking at the pictures. The one displayed here, in particular, is from an upcoming game called Darksiders: Wrath of War, and it makes me want to ask one thing and one thing only: “Can THQ make a sword that even a THQ character can’t lift?” Apparently, the answer is a resounding “NO”. THQ characters can lift ANY sword and that’s final. Even a sword that’s 10 times bigger than the character himself. Even a sword that denies every law of physics by its very existence. Even a sword that’s just too goddamned big to fit on the damn screen. And yes, even a sword whose only practical purpose might be to (yet again!) reshuffle all those “Top 10 biggest swords in video games!” articles.

And the game itself? It’s largely irrelevant to this particular rant, but it looks like a bunch of Shadow of the Colossus type giants who finally got off Prozac and decided to kick some ass. I’ll hold further commentary till the game comes out and I can assess the ridiculous size of those swords in person.

A lot has been said about IGN’s faux pas of a fake trailer for a “The Legend of Zelda” live action adaptation. I personally bought it not, because every April 1st, I engage on what I like to call “La-la I can’t hear you!” stage, where I cover my eyes and ears at the same time (somehow) and rhythmically go “La-la-la!” for 24 hours.

But even without a defense mechanism like that, I wouldn’t get excited because I’ve always been against the prospect of a live action “Zelda” movie. My bitterness aside, I can definitely take my imaginary hat off for IGN because, 1, that trailer is an amazing and borderline believable effort for an April Fool’s joke, not to mention a very fresh one; 2, anything that makes me laugh as much as seeing the excited/crushed comments about it is a-okay in my book.

Let’s not get into that, for another GameLemon writer has already focused her mind on the subject in this very blog. This is to bring you something new to sink your swords into - IGN’s official Making Of the “Zelda Trailer”.

Link here (wow, great pun, Leon!)

I’ll endlessly respect IGN for pulling such a thing. Please enjoy.