Looks like we’ll soon have another log to toss on the scrap heap of “great video game franchises burdened by a shitty movie.” Comingsoon.net is reporting that not only does the upcoming Gears of War movie have a script, it’s got a director too. No word on who the directo actually is, but right now I’ve got even money on Uwe Boll. He’s a one-man, game movie wrecking machine!

So today at that “other”, paying job, my client told me that tomorrow their company is having a “Wii and pizza night”, and invited me to join. I must admit I am extremely curious to see a bunch of serious business people make something of a spectacle of themselves as they duke it out in Wii Sports with those lovable white controllers. Somehow I am sure it’s all going to look at least a little comical. I don’t know about you, but when I play the Wii in the privacy of my living room, I am still a little self-conscious of outside observers. My wife, who could only be described as a gamer in a world where there is only a single game in existence - Tetris, has made it clear (in no uncertain terms) that her suppression of laughter during my Wii-playing sessions is only a result of her undying love for my sensitive ego. And if I look funny, I can only imagine what the Wii factor is going to look like on a bunch of suits. Report from the front lines to follow. Meanwhile, I am dying to know if this is indeed a widespread phenomenon, and if the Wii has now replaced ping pong and foosball tables at large corporations. Feel free to report on the status of this life-changing question at your particular place of business

Gibson Guitars, makers of the legendary Les Paul and other fabulous shredding machines, has decided that even though the makers of Guitar Hero apparently had enough rights to put the Gibson name on the peripherals and in the game, the game itself is violating a patent held by the famous guitar maker. According to reports from USA Today and Yahoo! News, Gibson is not only suing the makers of the game, but also retailers such as Wal-Mart and Target as well, saying that it’s not right that they continue to sell the game. Apparently, Gibson holds a patent on a “technology to simulate a musical performance”. Isn’t it curious how it took them this long to make the determination of this supposed infringement? Clearly, the revenue from the GH games has finally crossed some magical “release the sharks” threshold. Nice going, Gibson. Here is hoping your entire army of lawyers chokes on their cereal tomorrow morning.

In other, (potentially) happier news, the Guitar Hero franchise is going portable, with the announcement that Guitar Hero: On Tour is set to release this June for the Nintendo DS. No longer will you be forced to look like a tool playing air guitar on the bus while listening to your iPod. You’ll have to find another target to blame for your social ineptitute, losers.

Joystiq is reporting that sometime this week the Rock Band Music Store will be making its way to consoles. For all those tired of wandering around the XBL Marketplace or PSN this collects all the DLC in one convenient, easy to browse place. Also, individual difficulty meters for each instrument’s tracks tell you if you’re truly a rock and roll legend or simply benefiting from an easier song. No more empty boasting for you!

Since everything has been sunshine and lollipops for Nintendo recently, what with the massive success of the Wii and DS and the recent release of Brawl, it’s time to take them down a peg. Greenpeace has named Nintendo the least ecologically friendly of all consumer electronics companies, giving them an overall score of 0.3/10. Kaz Harai was unable to be reached for comment, seeing as how he was busy lunching on the meat of endangered animals and setting tires on fire because “the smoke and smell keep those damn kids off my lawn.”

God, I just love it when so-called “professional reporters” “report” on the game industry. Let’s take a headline that came up on my “My Yahoo” page yesterday afternoon, “courtesy” of Information Week. It said: “PlayStation 3 Sales Surpass Xbox 360“. Now what would that headline mean to you, a lay reader? Why, it would probably tell you that there have been more PS3s sold than Xbox 360s, right? Well, you’d be wrong. In fact, by doing some very simple googling, you’d easily be able to see, at VGChartz.com, for example, that Xbox 360 has sold over 17 million units worldwide to PS3’s less than 11 million units. Or 11 million vs. 4 million, respectively, in the US. But what of our headline, then? Well, APPARENTLY, what the headline REALLY means, is that Sony shipped more units than Microsoft IN FEBRUARY 2008. G, would have been nice to mention that in the title, no? All right, so the reporter was playing a little coy to get more people to click on his story. I can dig that. Maybe the good people at Information Week pay their reporters by the click. Fine. But does he at least bother to provide clarification in the article proper? Well, not really. I mean, the article does talk about February sales, but does it bother to put things in perspective of overall sales, given the slightly deceptive headline it chose to use? Nah. That would actually be accurate reporting, and we can’t have that, god forbid.

Thanks a lot, Information Week. Swell job. Mind holding this bucket for a second while I PUKE in it?

My Kingdom for a Quarter!

If you are too young to remember the original Contra, congratulations, because you probably still have two solid decades of Viagra-free sex left in you. That’s something to be happy about. If you DO remember the original Contra, however, we have good news for you as well: you can now rekindle those undoubtedly awesome memories with Contra 4 for the DS.

Contra 4 looks and feels much like the original. The AI is not any smarter, the movement is not any smoother, there is but 1 new “move”, and many of the weapons are the very same ones you learned to know and love when you last played this game in that other, soon to be completely forgotten century. In short, this is a real nostalgia game. If you’ve never played the original, you’ll probably wonder what all the fuss was about in the first place, and I can’t really blame you, because Contra 4 does not abide by any rules of today’s video gaming. It’s a game that doesn’t let you save and reload, doesn’t care to hand you a handkerchief when you get your ass handed to you on a rocket propelled grenade, doesn’t care about playing “fair”, and is generally built to punish you and take your every last quarter. It’s brutal, it’s simple, it’s hardcore. And if you were lucky enough to have been gaming 15-20 years ago, it’s awesome. As for you all you kids under 20, don’t bother. It’s nothing personal, but chances are, you won’t really like this game. It doesn’t matter how much of a hardcore gamer you think you are. It doesn’t even matter how much of a hardcore gamer you really are. This kind of hardcore is just different.

Graphically the game looks much like the NES original, with attractive 2D graphics, with some fake 3D perspective thrown in in a few places. The dual DS screen allows for levels which are twice as tall, and the game does a good job of making use of that real estate, even in levels that scroll horizontally as opposed to vertically. Controls are exactly as you remember them - you can run, lie down, do the famous spinning jump, and, new in this installment, use a grappling hook to lift yourself to platforms above. And of course, every move can (and should!) be combined with lots and lots of shooting. Enemies in the form of enemy soldiers, beasts, and stationary guns of all kinds swarm you constantly from all directions, and bullets, grenades, and various other projectiles are constantly drifting through the screen. Get hit with one, once, and you die. Die enough times, and you have to use up a continue. Use up those and you are done. Wipe your nose, wussy! Can you say “arcade style shooter” yet?

One of the things that made the original Contra so successful was the awesome level design, and thankfully, Contra 4 doesn’t disappoint in that department. The levels are consistently fun, varied, and challenging. Environments change from jungles, to factories, water and air levels, and other usual suspects, and everything looks clean and attractive in that distinctive Contra art style. The famous base levels with their from-behind perspective are back, except now they have a bit of a fake 3D feel to them, which takes nothing away from their great target practice gameplay. Weapons (many of them classics from the original) will not disappoint you either, and picking up the same weapon twice will result in an upgraded version, which is very nifty. As with the original Contra, having a fully tricked out weapon by the time you get to the level boss makes all the difference in the world, although each one can also be taken out with the default gun (albeit with a lot more skill and effort). The bosses themselves are classically massive and, like school teachers, require you to basically memorize their attack pattern in order to dispatch them. Overall, the game is as hard as you might expect, but that only doubles the fun, and the great classic audio tracks that come along with it round out the package nicely.

Contra 4 is a great game to take on the road (which is where most of us working folk do our gaming), and, like viagra-free sex, is great for delivering lots of fun in short bursts. And if you haven’t had sex yet, please, stay away from this game. We don’t want you dirtying its memory with your negative comments, and besides, you have other things to worry about.

Grade: 9.0 if you were born before 1983, 7.5 otherwise.

Based on the success of its “fine title” (read: steaming pile of shovelware crap) Take Two has announced sequels to the Carnival Game license. This is what happens when you buy shitty games, they make more shitty games. I’m going to go drink behind the ferris wheel.

The Postal movie no longer resides in the same realm as Duke Nukem Forever, as Running with Scissors announced a May 23rd release for Uwe Boll’s latest, and possibly least crappy, film. If that date sounds familiar, that’s because it’s the same day as the release date of a little indie film called Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. Oh well, at least now you have something to go watch when you show up to the theatre and realize Indy is sold out because you didn’t Fandango your tickets. Shame on you for making Uwe Boll think he can direct a movie.

So if you scroll down a bit you’ll see our continuing coverage about the kid who got screwed by Microsoft. Well no more! As he has now been handsomely rewarded for his bellyaching. Squeaky wheel gets the grease, remember that kids.