Author: Brad Hilderbrand

   It's been roughly a decade since I last set foot in LA. Between the smog, traffic, and general sense that nothing around me could be trusted (I'm watching you, inconspicuous palm tree!), I felt like this was a city where hope went to die and little more. Now, 10 years older and 6 months wiser, I returned to the "City of Angels" (what a misnomer) for the festivities of E3 2008, and let me tell you something, if there was one thing that sucked harder than the city itself, it was this show. So follow me on this journey of awfulness and at the end answer me one simple question:

Who the hell came up with this shit?

Western Hospitality

   I first knew something was amiss when I tried to check into my hotel and they told me that I wasn't allowed. Now, I'm no hotel tycoon (though I think I've played the game), but it seems to me that if someone with a reservation arrives at your establishment in the early afternoon hours requesting lodging, it is common courtesy to show said individual to a goddamned bed and toilet. I can understand if I had showed up drunk at 3:00 am demanding a night in the presidential suite with Mamie Van Doren, but this was different. It was 2:00 in the afternoon, I was more or less sober, and my only other option was to aimlessly wander the city with a suitcase just like the myriad of homeless, only smelling even worse because 6 hours on a plane does nothing for your personal hygiene.

   Once I finally did get settled into my "deluxe suite" (2 beds, a 12 inch TV, a shower that doesn't believe in hot water, no Internet connection even though the goddamn cord was clearly plugged into my computer's one and only Ethernet port, and an air conditioner whose purpose in life was not to cool me, but to give me pneumonia), I assured myself things could only get better tomorrow. After all they couldn't get much worse.

   Oh what a fool I was.

Rise and Shine!

   The next day started bright and early with Microsoft's press conference. I'm sure you heard about it by now, what with their executives making asses of themselves and the company taking a big shit all over Sony with the announcement that spiky-haired sword wielding would now be coming to the Xbox 360, but I doubt you heard about how Microsoft's own product broke at the press conference... twice.

   In the first instance, one of the developers of Fallout 3 got on stage to give us all a short demo of the game that I'm already willing to sell my unborn children for in order to tease even more about how we're not allowed to have it yet. As he started up the game, a lovely little window appeared, "Please reconnect controller." I thought for a moment he was being coy, that this whole charade was designed to make us lean forward in anticipation of the game's goodness, just so Bethesda could take their collective cock and slap us in the face with it while screaming, "You actually thought we were going to show it to you? What kind of fucking moron are you anyway?!" The opportunity for comedy and sadness was golden, but alas that's not what happened.

   Turns out, the system just went to sleep and they had to sync up the controller again. Granted, going to sleep is normal for the 360... when you have to interrupt an intense gaming session to take an unexpected phone call or a nice long poop. Not so normal during a demo of one of your biggest upcoming titles. Good job Microsoft, way to bring your A game to the show.

   Following that minor fuckup came a much bigger one, perhaps a 7 on the pan-galactic fuckup scale with 1 being a slight lag and 10 being Konami's press conference (don't worry, we'll get there), as Cliffy B. (or the Cliffster, or Clifferino, or Cliffy Cliffy Bo Biffy, etc.) came up to demo Gears of War 2. After fighting roughly 3 enemies and progressing a grand total of 5 steps the game crashed. Just "poof" and gone with no explanation. The magic Xbox fairies scrambled to fix the snafu while His Cliffiness stood on stage looking all manner of pissed and soon we were back underway for the rest of the show. So let me get this straight Microsoft, your own equipment broke twice during the press conference and yet the only thing you'll repair for free on my Xbox is a Red Ring of Death? Methinks you ought not to make your next console out of low-grade Play-Doh and prayers.

Welcome To the Information Age!

   After the event I thought it would be just delightful to go up to the press lounge and blog about the Microsoft misfires on one of the many, many available workstations. Strangely enough, once I sat down at a computer I was greeted with the inability to access the Internet. No worries, I have my trusty laptop, I'll be fine, just give me a wi-fi connection. Nope, that's not gonna fly either. Apparently we clogged all the tubes that make up the information superhighway, and actually writing or posting our work was not allowed. It was as though E3 itself knew what a massive waste of time and effort it was, and was determined to keep us from spreading our gruesome discoveries throughout the rest of the world. I half-expected all the doors to lock and GLADoS to taunt us as we slowly died of nerve gas poisoning, but I guess the chaps in charge weren't able to get her to connect to their network.

How About a Nice Bowl of Special K?

   The other specific event that bears mentioning is the Konami press conference held on Wednesday which, while short on useful information, was high on painful failure. Everything was going swimmingly until the company decided to show Rock Revolution, their abortion of a rhythm game that we're supposed to believe is going to unseat Guitar Hero and Rock Band from the mountaintop. I had gotten a little hands-on time with the game earlier that day, and trust me when I tell you that the drum set Konami has designed is an affront to both God and man. Perhaps if we destroy all known prototypes of the drums and sacrifice all those involved in the creation of Rock Revolution we will be spared from God's holy wrath; as it stands now though, we're all in a lot of trouble with the Almighty.

   Anyway, Biblical punishments aside, project lead Lauren Faccidomo thought it would be fun to show us just how great her new game was by bringing up her all-female Ramones cover band "The Sheenas" to play "Blitzkrieg Bop", and then show us the track again on Rock Revolution. Excellent idea. Well, The Sheenas were fine, but Lauren playing THE GAME SHE HELPED CREATE was single-handedly the most painful gaming experience I have ever seen. As the dutiful helper monkey pounded away at the drum kit, trying to make it look as easy as something that requires 6 legs, 2 brains and at least one extra dimension can, Lauren proceeded to miss every single note on the guitar part and fail the song... on medium. Let me repeat that, because you need to hear it twice; the person who made the game failed a song she can play perfectly in real life on medium. Thank God the press conference ended there, because if it had gone on all of us in that room may have died from awkward.

What's White and Blue and Red All Over? Why, It's the E3 Scorecard!

   I could go on and on about the failings of E3: the show floor that was the same size as my apartment (hey, let's just do it here next year so I can save a ton of money on food and plane tickets); the fact that there were so few people at the show I thought for awhile that I had come on the wrong week, or the fact that it was held in a city where there are more homeless beggars than actual residents - but I won't. No, that one week was horrific enough, and now I never have to do it again. You say you've always wanted to go to E3? I tell you what; if it's the same show as it was this year you can have my ticket, no charge. Just don't get mad at me when you waste a week of your life at an event that is about as fun and exciting as having your pubes plucked one by one by a not-so-gentle bear of a woman named Olga.

   You can keep E3 and you can keep LA, I won't be going back to either one anytime soon. Hopefully, the rest of the industry will follow my lead. Now, if you move the show to Vegas and bring back the booth babes then I'll book my flight right now. At least if the show floor sucks I can go blow my life savings on Keno!

- Brad Hilderbrand